thankful. days 1-5

rather than writing a daily post of what i'm thankful for, i will be doing it each week instead. if you follow me on instagram, then you'll see the daily posts. here i'll just expand on them a bit. so here's the recap from days 1-5

day 1. traveling. i had the joy of going to texas this weekend. i love traveling and flying and i'm thankful when i get the opportunity to. i got to see my house/hometown during take off (a perk of living close to the airport) and i love getting to see the land and cities from the air. seeing the cities at night is amazing. as much as i wish i had the money and time to travel more often, i'm thankful that i still get the opportunity to every now and then.

day 2. seeing family. thankfully we got to see my brother and his family before they left texas. ethan went home, and the kristen and the kids went to see her family. it was great to spend time with them, even if it was a short while. i love these people and wish i got to spend more time with them. it was so much fun spending time with them, and it just made the whole trip worth it. (my niece was pretty excited to tell grandpa she was 4 years old now. and my nephew just went around austin introducing himself to everyone) i can't wait til the next time i get to see these people.

day 3. these great red cups. every sunday i get coffee. this sunday i wasn't able to get it before church (this starbucks was very well hidden) but my sweet daddy made sure we found it after church. the rest of sunday was spent in san antonio, remembering the alamo and going on the river walk they have down town. also, who isn't super stoked that the red cups are out now! 

day 4. compassion international. for those of you who don't know, about a month ago my friend and i decided to make the commitment to sponsor a little girl in columbia through compassion. this is our girl, helen sharit santiago ortega. i am thankful for the work compassion does. my church raised money to build two churches in columbia. one in cartagena, one in cucuta. compassion works through the local church to help children get out of poverty and learn about Christ. i'm so thankful that grace and i decided to join them in helping not just helen, but all of the kids in cartagena and throughout the world. i hope one day we get the chance to go to columbia and meet helen. 

day 5. all my mugs. this may sound like a silly one, but i love my mugs. they all have a special meaning to me. one of the mugs pictured here was a birthday gift from my friend, and i love it. she's one of my best friends, and i love the fact that she buys me mugs haha. pretty much every mug is my favorite, for different reasons. it's one of those times i'm thankful for conspicuous consumption and my mugs. 

stupid brain

so i have this really bad habit of letting things eat at me, no matter how hard i try. and they eat at me for a long time. and it usually seems to be stupid things, and i don't know how to stop it. like lately i feel like i'm failing at some many different aspects and relationships at life, and i think a part of this has to do with my crazy schedule and the crazy schedule of other people. but i feel stupid and it eats at me when i try to talk to people, and they seem to stay silent. and then i let it eat and eat at me, and i feel like it's somehow my fault, even though i know i haven't done anything. i also hate when plans for hanging out fall through and i don't get to see my friends in so long. (i'm soooo looking forward to friday and hanging out with a friend i haven't hung out with in months) and i think maybe part of my problem is i get my hopes up for it, and then when it falls through i get disappointed and then tell myself i shouldn't get such high hopes, but it continues happening all the time.

for example...last week i had a really good coffee date with someone (at least on my side it was a really good one. i'm hoping he thought the same thing) we talked a bit more during the week, not much because he has a busy schedule. i excitedly told some friends about it, and they were happy for me (i don't go on dates often) and we were planning to hang out last night. then it fell through. (lucky hilary was having a thirty one party, so i was able to go to that instead.) i bought us tickets to the chiefs v chargers game, and i'm hoping nothing bad happens to this between now and then.

i mostly bring this up because it's hard for me to make good friends any more, and sometimes i feel like it's because i've become pickier about who i let into my life (which i feel is not totally a bad thing) but i also feel like maybe i'm too picky, and that i'm also too hard on myself. i need to figure out how to be not like this. sorry for the rambling

frustrations

lately i've been thinking about my life. i have felt extremely stuck lately, and I don't know how to get unstuck.  it's kind of been a mixture of things, like that fact i haven't been able to move out of my parent's house, i have lived in the same town my whole life, despite my desire to leave. i know people say i am hard on myself, but it's mostly i'm discouraged and wonder when my life will start. i am so ready to be done with school and want so badly to leave missouri. i want to be able to do something meaningful with my life, but right now i feel like it's the same thing every day and that it's all meaningless. i feel like i have been in the same place my whole life, which feels like a few years too long. i am ready to move on with my life, in basically all aspects. i want to move to a new town, i want to find someone to share my life with, i want to be done with school and really start my career. recently, i have even been feeling stuck in my helping at church. i was talking with a friend the other day and mentioned the only time lately i feel even slightly content with my life is when i am behind my camera. i am tired of feeling this way, and am trying to find a way to get out of this rut. sorry if i sound like a broken record in all of this. i am just ready for my life to start meaning something.

20 facts

holy cow it's been a long time since i've been over here! sorry =[ if anyone cares, my ankle has been doing better. the dr said i can just do pt stuff on my own and check back with her in about 6 weeks. i just really want to be able to run again.

anywho. my friend erin over at sweetnessitself.com posted 20 facts about herself. and i figured why not join in.

1. i love my job but sometimes feel like it's not what i'm meant to do.
2. i would love to start my own photography business as soon as possible. (or work full time as a photographer)
3. my brother is my best male friend
4. a lot of my friends live far away, and it kinda sucks a lot.
5. i want to have lots of land so i can have a few horses.
6. i love my sweet cat. i would love to have another one again to keep her company.
7. one of my favorite places to be in the summer is kauffman stadium.
8. my other favorite summer place is camp.
9. i got baptized in the creek at camp, and it's a great quick story to tell.
10. i tend to always spell recieve wrong, but almost never correct it.
11. i love babysitting my friends kids, but i'm not sure if i want some of my own.
12. i'm a night owl and really hate mornings, especially when i have to use an alarm clock.
13. sunday is usually the only day i wear make up.
14. i get really nervous at the thought of praying out loud or singing in front of people.
15. i'm super awkward around guys i don't know.
16. small talk does not come easily to me. it's actually something i dread, and then i feel like i come off as rude, which makes me feel bad.
17. baseball is my favorite sport to watch, closely followed by football and soccer.
18. i played soccer when i was little, and really miss it at times.
19. i really miss running. i haven't been able to run since june 29 and it's been killing me.
20. it's hard for me to think of 20 random facts about myself. this possibly took longer than it should have haha.

praise

so if you follow me on instagram, you have probably seen more pictures of my ankle in the last week than you ever wish to see again in your life. and i apologize for that, but that's been my concern for that last week and a half. back story is i was getting ready for class last monday and my ankle rolled on the bottom step (unless you work with me and go with the story i fell off a table dancing). a lot of cussing went on (painful accidents are on of the few things that make me cuss a lot) and i continued to my car to get everything loaded up for class. in the 30 or less seconds it took to get to my car, my ankle was HUGE! (my brother said it was like an orange on my ankle) so monday i missed class and my parents took me to the urgency room, got a few x-rays done, got a boot and crutches and came home. he couldn't tell for sure if it was a fracture or severe sprain and wanted me to see an orthopedic dr. (my friends moved a bit too early, i could have used his help for this part)

so i split my shift with a coworker for tuesday, and tried to stay off of it as much as i could for the past week and a half. and i'm super self conscious to begin with, so i dreaded wearing the boot. sunday at church i had to relive it what felt like 80 million times retelling it to everyone. (plus it was already in pain and i came home from church crying) luckily at work i was able to spend most of the time in the chair making phone calls. monday i finally got the chance to make an appointment with an orthopedic dr (i was wanting to see how the weekend went)

so yesterday was my appointment and i was a bit of a nervous wreck tuesday and wednesday. i prayed it wasn't going to be anything severe, along with asking others to pray for me as well. and boy did those prayers work! she took a few more x-rays of my ankle to see if anything new popped up. and did some quick tests in the room, and confirmed it was just a really bad sprain! i don't think i've ever been so happy to hear i sprained my ankle in my whole life. like for real almost cried tears of joy. AND she told me i could ditch the boot and just wear my brace!! (because i'm an awesome klutz and did the exact same thing last year, just not as bad) and wants me to start so pt for about a month and then go back and see how it's doing. i am just so thankful for everyone's support and so thankful it's nothing more serious. she said i need to do pt and work on strengthening it so it doesn't keep happening.

so grateful i was worked up for nothing and that it should be taken care of fairly easily. and no more ankle photos on instagram! (unless it happens again and is super huge again) hope everyone had a fun and safe 4th of july!

discouraged.

i feel like i've been having one of those days, except it's been going off and on for i don't even know how long. i feel like more often than not lately i've been in this weird mood where i don't feel connected to anyone. i've always felt kind of like i didn't belong in my family, and i think i know some of those underlying issues, but that's a different story. if you follow me on instagram you have possibly seen my note about how i don't feel like i know anything about my brothers.

and having my best friends far away doesn't help me at all. i have friends here, but i usually only get to see them once a week at small group, or twice at church if i'm lucky, or not at all.

i'm also feeling overwhelmed, with practically everything. i can barely stay on top of my homework for school. i haven't even been able to read anything for small group on thursday, which is a problem since i'm the leader. my hours at work have been up and down, and this is an up week, which is good, except i have less time to try to get stuff done. this mary kay and photography is seeming a flop so far.

basically this has all led to me being extremely discouraged and i don't know what to do. aside from writing things (which at times makes me feel like a coward) i don't know how to express these things/feelings to anyone. i've been crying a lot more lately than i feel like i normally do. it's a really annoying part of my personality that so many times i have wished i could change, but i know i can't.

and i have been praying about it, and would really appreciate more prayers. and sorry if this sounded like a pity party, that is never my intention.

whirlwind

these past few weeks have become a bit of a blur. i did my second 5k of the year with my aunt (and beat my time from last year), i started classes again, and i got to be a part of my best friend marrying her best friend.

dam to dam
june 1 was the dam to dam. this was the second year i did it with my aunt. i had a blast with it, and it was for real the perfect day for running. my dad went up with me again, i love getting to spend time with him. julie and i ran, and each beat our times from last year. i took a minute and ten seconds off of my time, so this year it was 43:57. i was quite proud of myself for that. i still have another 5k left, and hopefully i can continue to improve.

school
classes started again june 3. it's hard to be motivated sometimes, i just want to be done so badly. i'm still driving to independence every week, which sucks on the gas. and then i have a class in zona, so much closer. neither of these classes are super interesting so far, but they are core classes. praying i can survive.

wedding
so this weekend was a whirlwind. my beautiful best friend married her best friend. i flew to michigan june 6 with my mom, which was great because we got there just in time for her bachelorette party. friday was a nice day of just getting the hall decorated, getting nails done, rehearsing, and just getting to hang out with everyone. (which for me meant meeting everyone except feesh and jay) i feel so blessed that she asked me to be a part of the day for her. the wedding was beautiful, and very "them". the reception was a blast. pretty sure the bridesmaids cried more than she did. i wish i could have spent more quality time with everyone there, but i thoroughly enjoyed my time in michigan with everyone.

home
after we got home, joel had talked about going to a small group that meets on sunday nights (since that's the only evening he's able to go to one) i tried getting him to actually go with me sunday night instead of just talk about it, but i was the only one who went. (still enjoyed my time there) hoping i can get him to go next week. on the drive home i had a tiny breakdown though, just thinking about friends leaving and moving to the next stages of life, and me feeling left behind. and feeling pressure to lead my own small group as well as ashley did. i know it's pressure i'm just putting on myself, but it's still there.

how have y'al been lately?

1 down, 2 to go

wow it's been a while =/ life has been kinda crazy. school is done for like a week and a half (the joys of going all year round), i've been working a lot at cvs (still enjoying it) and this is my last month on the schedule at the y for a bit (will be going to a sub list) along with trying to figure out how to be a leader for small group, which starts in second week of june. the weekend of may 31-june 1or2 i will be in iowa for my second year doing the dam to dam in des moines with my aunt. i'm pretty stoked for it, also just for the family time. then june 6-9 i will be in michigan to see my best friend and be a part of her wedding. can't believe she's getting married! so happy for them, and they recently graduated from gvsu and very proud of them for that.

as some of you may know, i've been working towards getting healthier by running/working out more and control my eating. running has been my main focus lately. this past saturday some friends and i ran the chiefs 5k. (my first one of the year, 2 more to go) it was a blast! we ran around the parking lots around arrowhead, and got to finish by running through the same hall the players run through, onto the field, and go to finish on the 50 yard line, with casey wolf (yes i got my picture with him =]) and some of the cheerleaders there. i was in heaven haha. after the race they let us go in and see the locker room. one of the guys we went with dressed up as leon sandcastle, and the chiefs even had a locker in there for him with some gear in it.

our group

their seats. 

kathy and i headed into the locker room

we were good at one point. 

love his name. and gotta show love to the kicker. 

so they had the arrowhead blocked of so it doesn't get dirty with the thousands of people that were there. the players don't even walk/step on it when they are in there. 

leon and his locker

game day schedule

another great thing was friday as we went to get our packets, we went to bd's mongolian for dinner (delish) and when we walked out we got to see the wiener mobile!!!!! and then it was in platte city sunday when mom and i went to the grocery store. 

all the adults became little kids again. it was great!

small group break

so, breaks from small group are hard on me. in case it isn't obvious, i don't do well with being home all the time, and most of my friends live far away, so during breaks i spend a lot of time at home alone. and it's really hard on me. i am a person who desires real relationships with my friends (i think that may be one reason these breaks are hard on me), and spending time at home doesn't help with this.

it's ironic that in church, the message was about connecting with people. whether it's through a small group, or a 2|3 group (basically a group of 2-3 people doing life together). restore is very intentional about getting people connected with others, and i understand why they have breaks from small groups, but i feel like these breaks are forever long, and i would love to just go year round. my group is going to try to be getting together and still hanging out through the break, but i know i'm missing at least 2 weeks in a row of that. (which is a huge bummer)

i would love to try to start a 2|3 with a friend or two. not sure who i could do it with, due to different schedules, and mine that changes every few months, but i would love to give it a try, even if we aren't able to meet every week. anyone in the northland area want to join me?

ramblings from a crazy life

so it's been kinda crazy in my life lately. i have been cutting back hours at the y and getting more at cvs. (yay) i also recently decided to become a mary kay consultant. (if you want anything, let me know) i'm nervous about it, because i'm not really a sales person, and don't really know how to bring it up in conversation. since i don't wear make up all the time, it's not a typical conversation for me to begin with.

i've also been prepping for when ashley are aaron leave (boo!) wednesday we (small group) had an "ashley party" to end the session and as a birthday party for her. she was quick surprised, which was great. i'm treating her to pedicures this wednesday, since it's what we do. i'm hoping i'm as good of a leader for the group as she was. at least i will be tag-teaming it with another girl from group.

i've still been trying to run/work out consistently. (been a bit harder these past few days with the extra long winter we've been having here) my first 5k is the 18th (the chiefs 5k, ending on the 50 yard line!). pretty sure this is going to be a slow one, i'm still really out of shape, but at least it will be something. then in june i'm doing the dam to dam again in des moines with my aunt, and at the end of june i'm doing the glow run again. i'm excited for all of these.

i'm still trying to lose weight for felicia's wedding. i seem to be stuck at the 171-173 area. have yet to break below 170. i'm thinking of signing up for weight watchers online to help me get there. i have a friend who does it and she's been loving her results. i think it might also help with my over-eating. i am trying to do some research on it. do any of y'all have any reviews on it? i would love to hear them.

i've been trying to get more organized with my life. been trying to keep my car and bedroom clean (going to target tomorrow for some help) and trying to tackle my bathroom. this part is a bit more difficult since i share it with my brother and can't just throw everything in sight away. (that's how my car usually gets cleaned) i feel like it's kinda been working, but still need a lot of help. thankfully i have friends like jeanette who are willing to help with these crazy adventures of mine.

this cold weather has been making me cranky, so i went to the salon and got my hair darkened today to make me happier. loving this darker color. 

other than that school is still slowly killing my soul. who knows how much longer i have =/ but proud of felicia and jayme for graduating from gvsu! they let me know i will get there soon. blessed by them.

ever have one of those days...

...when you just feel extremely disconnected from everyone around you? i've kind of been having those days lately. it's hard to describe. like when i'm physically with the people and friends, i can feel connected to them, but sometimes i feel like i'm just kind of there, and then i start to feel disconnected. i think it's partly because when we aren't together, like say at small group, then we don't really talk or hang out. i know we all have such crazy schedules and that's why it's hard to hang out outside of group, but sometimes i feel like i don't even really fit in.

it's only been the past few years that i have kinda of become a "loner". my friends i talk to the most live in georgia and michigan. (by the way, i can't wait til june when the bff in michigan gets married and i get to see her) and the friends i have here are at such different stages of life, and our different schedules, make it seem harder to get together. in my head, i understand that it's all part of growing up and being an adult. but a lot of times i just really miss my friends.

please don't view any of this as a "feel sorry for me" post. i love my friends, and i love spending even the little time with them that i do. and i'm stoked for this weekend when i get to spend some quality time with hilary as she helps me learn more about editing pictures, and then sunday i get to spend time with ashley as we get pedicures together. we only get to have a few more pedicures together before she moves to georgia.

i just needed to get this out there. hopefully i can get out of this funk soon.

confession...

so i have something to admit, that i have been trying to deny for the past 23 years, aka forever. this confession is that i am an over eater. i don't mean to be, and i try to control it, but it's true. and it seems to happen at least once a day. and it's unbelievably hard to even admit it through typing. i have yet to actually say it out loud.

my weight has been a struggle for me for as long as i can remember. even when i was younger, people called my chubby (which is way worse than them actually saying fat) and my brothers would straight up say i was fat. i've tried exercising and dieting, and am constantly trying to stay on pace with it, but it feels impossible for me to lose weight. so what do i do? i go to the kitchen and find something to snack on. it's a struggle that makes me feel horrible in every aspect.

physically, i hate my body and feel like i'm going to puke when i over eat. i've been getting better at starting to eat when i feel hungry, and not just whenever. but i still go until it feels like i'm going to explode. which in turn makes me hate myself even more. (this is really the main self-esteem/self-image problem that i have. besides weight and acne, i'm actually pretty confident with myself)

emotionally, i am disappointed with myself every time it happens. and it's not jus the "oh i did bad this time" disappointment. it's the "constantly failing at something so simple" disappointment. and i feel like it's just been getting worse lately.

spiritually, i feel like i fail God when i over eat. i also feel like i fail him when i say i hate myself and am disappointed in myself because of it. i am aware that he has made me a certain way and i should be confident in that, but i'm not, and i feel like it's as huge of a let down for him as it is for me.

i started this devo a few weeks ago by the founder of www.wonderfullymade.org called healthy eating and abundant living, aka heal. but i feel like for me, it hasn't been as effective as it could be. and i don't know if this is because i'm still stuck in my ways and don't know how to get out, or because i'm going at it alone and have no one to keep me accountable, so i let myself slide and get away with things.

i know they say admitting there is a problem is the first step, but i also know there is a lot more to it than that. i would love if you would be willing to help keep me accountable.

quick update

hey y'all. it's been kinda crazy the past few weeks. last friday, march 8, my church had a "birthday party" for our 5 year anniversary. they asked me to help take pictures, which was a blast. we just celebrated what the past 5 years have been like, and talked about our plans for the next few years. next week we are launching our brookeside campus! it's so exciting and i can't wait to hear stories about it! i am hoping there are a few weeks i can go down there and help them out if they need it. here are a few pictures from the party.

erica, the kids city director for brookeside, and her sweet daugher

one of the most photogenic kids ever! i love his big brown eyes. he's gonna be a heart throb

lindsey, my kids city director, and her lovely daughter, who will be a big sister soon!

janet, the pastor's wife.

me and my friend kelli. she's been a great lady to get to know and has such a strong faith. i love getting to spend time with her. 

kelli's husband and son. he's one of my favorite kids. 

pastor troy

sweet kid, after crying that mom and dad left him. it was unexpected from the kids point of view. 

about the only two not crying. 

happy boy. (this picture was horribly dark when i took it, still not the best)

big kids got to watch a magician. i heard an adult wants him to come for his 29th birthday party. 

tommy, the former worship leader, who went back to chicago to start a church with his wife and their mentor. 

one of my favorite pictures of the night. i love how excited this kid is to get the hold the bird. 

i wish the one was clearer. it's lindsey's daughter and the bunny, but the poor bunny had tons of kids around. hence the blurry. 

praying for the brookeside team.

this sweet girl is the bass players daughter. she was up there dancing after the closing prayer. 

then the following sunday, march 10, we had five people get baptized. i love watching the baptisms, and these ones seemed extra special to me since everyone got baptized by family. they had me take pictures of them as well. i'm blessed to be able to get to do things like this for the church. i honestly never thought i would get these opportunities. 

tuesday i started a new class. it's not bad, except i have to drive in city traffic to get there. i firmly believe there is a reason i was raised in a small town rather than the city itself. independence has horrible traffic, and this is what i get to look forward to for the next 10 weeks. not too excited. but the class is good, and it's nice to be able to apply what i'm learning. i've really been enjoying the job. it's so different from the y, and a very welcome change. 

i've been trying to get back into working out. i don't work on thursdays until 4, so i like that i can go to the gym in the morning and do some cardio, and then i am planning to start doing personal training with my friend again. it will be great to get back into a routine, and great to see her again. i went to small group with my parents tonight, and a lady in the group told me the work has been paying off and she can see a difference. it was great to hear. then i was talking with my best friend and she said she noticed it also in a picture i put on instagram, and said i looked more confident too. it's so reassuring that other people are starting to notice, and it's not all a wasted effort. 

i am signing up for three 5ks again this year. one is a fun run, and i'm super excited for it. it's around arrowhead stadium, and at the end you get to run into the stadium and the finish line is the 50 yard line. my friend is doing it also, so i'm excited for that one in may. i'm also doing the dam to dam again with my aunt in june, and at the end of june i will be doing the glow run again with my friend that i ran it with last year. so i'm training for these, along with trying to lose weight for my bff's wedding june 8! (and by the way, this best friend just joined the blog world. you should totally go check out her blog!!) 

any fun things going on in y'all's lives?