Thursday, April 11, 2013

ever have one of those days...

...when you just feel extremely disconnected from everyone around you? i've kind of been having those days lately. it's hard to describe. like when i'm physically with the people and friends, i can feel connected to them, but sometimes i feel like i'm just kind of there, and then i start to feel disconnected. i think it's partly because when we aren't together, like say at small group, then we don't really talk or hang out. i know we all have such crazy schedules and that's why it's hard to hang out outside of group, but sometimes i feel like i don't even really fit in.

it's only been the past few years that i have kinda of become a "loner". my friends i talk to the most live in georgia and michigan. (by the way, i can't wait til june when the bff in michigan gets married and i get to see her) and the friends i have here are at such different stages of life, and our different schedules, make it seem harder to get together. in my head, i understand that it's all part of growing up and being an adult. but a lot of times i just really miss my friends.

please don't view any of this as a "feel sorry for me" post. i love my friends, and i love spending even the little time with them that i do. and i'm stoked for this weekend when i get to spend some quality time with hilary as she helps me learn more about editing pictures, and then sunday i get to spend time with ashley as we get pedicures together. we only get to have a few more pedicures together before she moves to georgia.

i just needed to get this out there. hopefully i can get out of this funk soon.

Friday, April 5, 2013


so i have something to admit, that i have been trying to deny for the past 23 years, aka forever. this confession is that i am an over eater. i don't mean to be, and i try to control it, but it's true. and it seems to happen at least once a day. and it's unbelievably hard to even admit it through typing. i have yet to actually say it out loud.

my weight has been a struggle for me for as long as i can remember. even when i was younger, people called my chubby (which is way worse than them actually saying fat) and my brothers would straight up say i was fat. i've tried exercising and dieting, and am constantly trying to stay on pace with it, but it feels impossible for me to lose weight. so what do i do? i go to the kitchen and find something to snack on. it's a struggle that makes me feel horrible in every aspect.

physically, i hate my body and feel like i'm going to puke when i over eat. i've been getting better at starting to eat when i feel hungry, and not just whenever. but i still go until it feels like i'm going to explode. which in turn makes me hate myself even more. (this is really the main self-esteem/self-image problem that i have. besides weight and acne, i'm actually pretty confident with myself)

emotionally, i am disappointed with myself every time it happens. and it's not jus the "oh i did bad this time" disappointment. it's the "constantly failing at something so simple" disappointment. and i feel like it's just been getting worse lately.

spiritually, i feel like i fail God when i over eat. i also feel like i fail him when i say i hate myself and am disappointed in myself because of it. i am aware that he has made me a certain way and i should be confident in that, but i'm not, and i feel like it's as huge of a let down for him as it is for me.

i started this devo a few weeks ago by the founder of called healthy eating and abundant living, aka heal. but i feel like for me, it hasn't been as effective as it could be. and i don't know if this is because i'm still stuck in my ways and don't know how to get out, or because i'm going at it alone and have no one to keep me accountable, so i let myself slide and get away with things.

i know they say admitting there is a problem is the first step, but i also know there is a lot more to it than that. i would love if you would be willing to help keep me accountable.