Sunday, September 29, 2013

stupid brain

so i have this really bad habit of letting things eat at me, no matter how hard i try. and they eat at me for a long time. and it usually seems to be stupid things, and i don't know how to stop it. like lately i feel like i'm failing at some many different aspects and relationships at life, and i think a part of this has to do with my crazy schedule and the crazy schedule of other people. but i feel stupid and it eats at me when i try to talk to people, and they seem to stay silent. and then i let it eat and eat at me, and i feel like it's somehow my fault, even though i know i haven't done anything. i also hate when plans for hanging out fall through and i don't get to see my friends in so long. (i'm soooo looking forward to friday and hanging out with a friend i haven't hung out with in months) and i think maybe part of my problem is i get my hopes up for it, and then when it falls through i get disappointed and then tell myself i shouldn't get such high hopes, but it continues happening all the time.

for example...last week i had a really good coffee date with someone (at least on my side it was a really good one. i'm hoping he thought the same thing) we talked a bit more during the week, not much because he has a busy schedule. i excitedly told some friends about it, and they were happy for me (i don't go on dates often) and we were planning to hang out last night. then it fell through. (lucky hilary was having a thirty one party, so i was able to go to that instead.) i bought us tickets to the chiefs v chargers game, and i'm hoping nothing bad happens to this between now and then.

i mostly bring this up because it's hard for me to make good friends any more, and sometimes i feel like it's because i've become pickier about who i let into my life (which i feel is not totally a bad thing) but i also feel like maybe i'm too picky, and that i'm also too hard on myself. i need to figure out how to be not like this. sorry for the rambling

Friday, September 20, 2013


lately i've been thinking about my life. i have felt extremely stuck lately, and I don't know how to get unstuck.  it's kind of been a mixture of things, like that fact i haven't been able to move out of my parent's house, i have lived in the same town my whole life, despite my desire to leave. i know people say i am hard on myself, but it's mostly i'm discouraged and wonder when my life will start. i am so ready to be done with school and want so badly to leave missouri. i want to be able to do something meaningful with my life, but right now i feel like it's the same thing every day and that it's all meaningless. i feel like i have been in the same place my whole life, which feels like a few years too long. i am ready to move on with my life, in basically all aspects. i want to move to a new town, i want to find someone to share my life with, i want to be done with school and really start my career. recently, i have even been feeling stuck in my helping at church. i was talking with a friend the other day and mentioned the only time lately i feel even slightly content with my life is when i am behind my camera. i am tired of feeling this way, and am trying to find a way to get out of this rut. sorry if i sound like a broken record in all of this. i am just ready for my life to start meaning something.