Sunday, June 23, 2013


i feel like i've been having one of those days, except it's been going off and on for i don't even know how long. i feel like more often than not lately i've been in this weird mood where i don't feel connected to anyone. i've always felt kind of like i didn't belong in my family, and i think i know some of those underlying issues, but that's a different story. if you follow me on instagram you have possibly seen my note about how i don't feel like i know anything about my brothers.
and having my best friends far away doesn't help me at all. i have friends here, but i usually only get to see them once a week at small group, or twice at church if i'm lucky, or not at all.

i'm also feeling overwhelmed, with practically everything. i can barely stay on top of my homework for school. i haven't even been able to read anything for small group on thursday, which is a problem since i'm the leader. my hours at work have been up and down, and this is an up week, which is good, except i have less time to try to get stuff done. this mary kay and photography is seeming a flop so far.

basically this has all led to me being extremely discouraged and i don't know what to do. aside from writing things (which at times makes me feel like a coward) i don't know how to express these things/feelings to anyone. i've been crying a lot more lately than i feel like i normally do. it's a really annoying part of my personality that so many times i have wished i could change, but i know i can't.

and i have been praying about it, and would really appreciate more prayers. and sorry if this sounded like a pity party, that is never my intention.

Monday, June 10, 2013


these past few weeks have become a bit of a blur. i did my second 5k of the year with my aunt (and beat my time from last year), i started classes again, and i got to be a part of my best friend marrying her best friend.

dam to dam
june 1 was the dam to dam. this was the second year i did it with my aunt. i had a blast with it, and it was for real the perfect day for running. my dad went up with me again, i love getting to spend time with him. julie and i ran, and each beat our times from last year. i took a minute and ten seconds off of my time, so this year it was 43:57. i was quite proud of myself for that. i still have another 5k left, and hopefully i can continue to improve.

classes started again june 3. it's hard to be motivated sometimes, i just want to be done so badly. i'm still driving to independence every week, which sucks on the gas. and then i have a class in zona, so much closer. neither of these classes are super interesting so far, but they are core classes. praying i can survive.

so this weekend was a whirlwind. my beautiful best friend married her best friend. i flew to michigan june 6 with my mom, which was great because we got there just in time for her bachelorette party. friday was a nice day of just getting the hall decorated, getting nails done, rehearsing, and just getting to hang out with everyone. (which for me meant meeting everyone except feesh and jay) i feel so blessed that she asked me to be a part of the day for her. the wedding was beautiful, and very "them". the reception was a blast. pretty sure the bridesmaids cried more than she did. i wish i could have spent more quality time with everyone there, but i thoroughly enjoyed my time in michigan with everyone.

after we got home, joel had talked about going to a small group that meets on sunday nights (since that's the only evening he's able to go to one) i tried getting him to actually go with me sunday night instead of just talk about it, but i was the only one who went. (still enjoyed my time there) hoping i can get him to go next week. on the drive home i had a tiny breakdown though, just thinking about friends leaving and moving to the next stages of life, and me feeling left behind. and feeling pressure to lead my own small group as well as ashley did. i know it's pressure i'm just putting on myself, but it's still there.

how have y'al been lately?