Tuesday, April 26, 2016

the struggle is real, y'all

lately i just haven't felt motivated to really do anything. i haven't written here in months. work has been stressing me out and my anxiety has been getting slightly worse and still isn't under control. i still haven't called to talk to one of the counselors at work about it. i'm scared they will say it's something more. i have felt disconnected from a lot of my friends lately. i hate that i don't get to be with christina and see thea grow up. my parents just got back from visiting my brother in texas and i hate that i don't get to see them ever. (it's been about a year and a half since i last saw them.) i made the mistake of briefly bringing back my facebook page. (deactivated it after writing that sentence.) i feel like my thoughts have been all over the place lately. i just haven't cared about anything lately.

sorry for the randomness, i had to get it out and see if i can form some coherent thoughts for once. apparently not.

the past few months have been crazy. after i got back from georgia for my birthday, i worked for 31 days straight and was basically exhausted all the time. when i finally got my two days off, i pretty much avoided all humanity the whole time. i am still not the best at taking a day of rest and not feeling guilty about it. even this past weekend, i spent about half of saturday just binging on criminal minds and just thought about what i should have been doing instead. but by mid-afternoon, i had a much better weekend.

i think part of why i have been so apathetic and unmotivated lately is truly because i haven't been at church nearly as much as i should be. i work every other weekend, so that leave 2 weekends where i can i go to church. one of those weekends i am in kids' city, so that leave 1 sunday each month when i actually get to go to service. this upcoming sunday we start a new 3 week series, and i will only be able to see the middle week. this has been really wearing on me lately, and i know it's my fault.

  • i could quit my va job, and then i would have every weekend off and could go to church weekly. but at the same time, that would be extra money i need every month and wouldn't have any more. i talked to my mom about it recently. i don't want to have to ask my parents for help. she admitted they don't mind it every now and then, but don't want it to be a regular thing. if i quit this second job, it would become a regular thing, which all of us very much do not want.

  • i could find a saturday night church to go to. i would feel weird going to a saturday night church, possibly regularly, and not being a member there. even though i don't get to go to sunday morning church as often as i would like, i actually feel connected to these people. my women's group on thursday night feels like a true group of friends, which i honestly haven't felt from a small group in a long time. 

  • i could watch the videos of the messages later in the week. for some reason, it's just easier for me to watch netflix. i feel like it's because i can watch it on my tv rather than my computer, and i don't know if i can do that with the site the messages are on. i don't feel like i'm as "trapped" when i watch it on my tv, i can do things around the apartment and still hear what's going on. i feel like if i watch it on my computer, i am stuck in one area to hear/see what is going on. 
i have also been slacking on reading my Bible and praying. like way slacking. and i have no one but myself to blame for that. i have never known how people are just like "i feel like reading this book right now". i need a guide/devotional/focus. know of any good devotionals for a girl to try?