Friday, April 5, 2013

confession...

so i have something to admit, that i have been trying to deny for the past 23 years, aka forever. this confession is that i am an over eater. i don't mean to be, and i try to control it, but it's true. and it seems to happen at least once a day. and it's unbelievably hard to even admit it through typing. i have yet to actually say it out loud.

my weight has been a struggle for me for as long as i can remember. even when i was younger, people called my chubby (which is way worse than them actually saying fat) and my brothers would straight up say i was fat. i've tried exercising and dieting, and am constantly trying to stay on pace with it, but it feels impossible for me to lose weight. so what do i do? i go to the kitchen and find something to snack on. it's a struggle that makes me feel horrible in every aspect.

physically, i hate my body and feel like i'm going to puke when i over eat. i've been getting better at starting to eat when i feel hungry, and not just whenever. but i still go until it feels like i'm going to explode. which in turn makes me hate myself even more. (this is really the main self-esteem/self-image problem that i have. besides weight and acne, i'm actually pretty confident with myself)

emotionally, i am disappointed with myself every time it happens. and it's not jus the "oh i did bad this time" disappointment. it's the "constantly failing at something so simple" disappointment. and i feel like it's just been getting worse lately.

spiritually, i feel like i fail God when i over eat. i also feel like i fail him when i say i hate myself and am disappointed in myself because of it. i am aware that he has made me a certain way and i should be confident in that, but i'm not, and i feel like it's as huge of a let down for him as it is for me.

i started this devo a few weeks ago by the founder of www.wonderfullymade.org called healthy eating and abundant living, aka heal. but i feel like for me, it hasn't been as effective as it could be. and i don't know if this is because i'm still stuck in my ways and don't know how to get out, or because i'm going at it alone and have no one to keep me accountable, so i let myself slide and get away with things.

i know they say admitting there is a problem is the first step, but i also know there is a lot more to it than that. i would love if you would be willing to help keep me accountable.

2 comments:

Erin said...

love you sweet friend. so proud of your honesty and being so real. you're amazing!

Gretchen said...

Totally understand where you're coming from! Very brave of you to be so transparent. I struggle with same issue and continue trying to learn to turn it over to God AND to trust Him to help me live healthy. It's a daily battle.