birthday in georgia

y'all, today was one of the hardest goodbye's for me to do. i am so grateful i got to spend the past few days with my best friend christina and her sweet little family. in december she had a baby and i got to spend the past weekend cuddling her and helping them out however i could. i loved getting to love on sweet baby thea, and miss her so much already.

christina and i have been best friends since we met in 2000, aka 5th grade. no way i could have asked for a better friend than her. she has put up with a lot of my craziness, and it wasn't always a good crazy, and has loved me through it all. i couldn't imagine my life without her, and it's crazy for me to think about how she's been married for a year and a half(ish) and now has a one month old baby. i can't believe it!  we used to get to spend every birthday together, and then she had to go and join the marines, so that hasn't been able to happen lately. we actually hadn't seen each other in like 4 years before this weekend. it was hard on me to not see her at all during her pregnancy, and they had a courthouse wedding so basically no one got to go down for that. but i knew, even before she told me she was pregnant, that i wanted to spend my birthday with her again. it had been way too long! so in the summer i bought tickets to georgia and spend time with her. such a great decision.

i flew down the day before my birthday, and i'm pretty sure delta was going to try to keep me in atlanta forever. the countdown to see christina was unbearable, and even worse in atlanta when i was so close, yet still so far. i was so excited to give her a huge hug and finally meet thea. i've called her my niece the whole pregnancy, and christina also asked me to be her godmother, so i'm sure you can imagine how excited i was to hold her. we stopped by petco and saw her husband on the way to the house. (i feel like i can't emphasize enough how much i have missed these people.) i couldn't wait to get to the house and hold thea for hours on end (except for feeding time) and give them everything i had bought for her and the blanket my mom made for her. (alice blankets are kind of a must have among family and best friends here)

the next day was MY BIRTHDAY!!! if you don't know me, i'm kind of obnoxious when it's my birthday. (birthday buddies include elvis presley, stephen hawking, and david bowie) christina and i had a lazy morning of cuddling my baby girl and just hanging out while chris and his dad were at work. i told christina long before hand that i was wanting to get a new tattoo while i was down there. so we spent the afternoon at the tattoo shop and they were fantastic. extremely nice people and john drew up a great design and it turned out better than i imagined. if you are ever in the evans/grovetown/augusta area and looking for a tattoo, i recommend going there. every year since i was 14 i have been going to applebee's for my birthday. christina and chris indulged me, so we went there for dinner, and thankfully thea slept through the whole thing. she had spent a lot of time out of the house and she was getting tired and cranky right before then. i can't really blame her though. 

i wanted an anchor for multiple reasons. mostly for my grandpa who was in the navy and is my hero. (him and dad are the two people i am most scared of disappointing) i got my last name on it because no matter what happens in my life, i will always be a holland.

saturday christina, thea, and i explored the mall while daddy worked. (also, if you live in that area and need a dog trainer, chris is your man) that afternoon, all the georgians let me watch the chiefs game, and shared in my joy when they won. chris's dad made homemade ricotta cheese and stuffed shells for dinner, it was delicious. he was also super sweet and bought me a little birthday cake along with birthday cake flavored ice cream for dessert, complete with a candle and singing the birthday song to me as well. definitely made this girl feel special and loved. we ended the night with playing cards against humanity. so much fun!

sunday was another great day. my old small group leader and her family live just a few minutes away from chris and christina, and i was so fortunate to get to go to church with them sunday morning, and finally meet her son, who is a year and a half old. i am so glad i was able to still go to church, and spend quality time with them. they moved to georgia for her husband's residency, and we are hoping they come back to kansas city for the 4 years after that. their family is from mid-missouri, so they want to be back closer to home. and i just want them back in kansas city. we got lunch after church and enjoyed getting to catch up with them a bit more. it made my heart so happy to see them as well. after they dropped me off back at the house, we pretty much just hung out the rest of the day. sunday was also thea's official one month birthday, so we got to take some pictures for that. they didn't turn out quite as good as i had hoped, but i am so glad i got to do that for them. 

thea and daddy. she wasn't having it the first time around

i love these two with mommy holding her hand, and daddy holding her. too bad she still wasn't happy

mommy cuddles

sometimes you just need grandpa

on the blanket my mommy made for her

today was the hard day. started with thea's one month check up, then grabbing lunch with daddy. after lunch we made the quick journey into south carolina for me to meet their friend kala. i was excited to meet her. goodbye time came way too fast. it was crazy hard to say goodbye to christina, which doesn't surprise me at all. she's been the closest thing to a sister i have ever had, and the weekend together just wasn't enough. when i landed in atlanta, i was sitting in my seat trying not to bawl, and as i type this now, i'm trying not to bawl. and i am sure when i get to kc, i'll stop trying and give in to the tears. saying goodbye to her is almost as hard as saying goodbye to ethan and his family. both are crazy hard for me. it was one of the best birthday weekends i could have asked for, and i am already trying to plan my next trip down here. 

happy 2016

another crazy year has come and gone, and this one was a doozy. in a nutshell, i moved out of platte city, got two new jobs at two different hospitals, got fantastically sick, saw some dear friends get married, moved to a new building/position at one hospital, got a new niece, and did a lot of growing and changing. it's always interesting to sit down and think about everything that happened in the last year, and contemplate what will come in the next year.

some of my friendships fell apart over the last year, some grew stronger, while others still didn't make it through the year at all. i have no doubt that all of these things happened for a specific reason, and i am so thankful for them, whether i realize why it happened or not. when i think about it, i try to find something i can learn from all of those people.

moving out was a big thing for me. the 17 is actually my move in anniversary. it was a big step, but i have to admit, it is so great to come home to my own place. it's hard for me to not be a hermit, and i try very hard to make sure i'm not a 100% hermit. the introvert in me finds it so much easier to sit at home with netflix or a book and just curl up on the couch. but that's not where friendships and life happen, so i try to force myself to go out.

i have been loving my positions at the hospitals. february is my anniversary at one, and april is my anniversary at the other. they have been great opportunities. one hospital is the same one my dad works at, and i try to make sure i do a good job, not just because i take pride in my job, but because i want to make sure my dad is proud of me as well. (i am even thinking about signing up for some classes and trying to get in to pharmacy school, but at the same time i am scared of letting him down) in october we opened up a new pharmacy for an ambulatory building (outpatient clinics and some outpatient surgeries as well) it's going extremely slow right now, but we are starting to pick up as more clinics open. i am ready for the whole thing to be open though.

july i felt like i had the plague, turned out it was just mono. i'm not good at being sick, i had an impossible time accepting the face that i was tired for no reason. i already knew i wasn't good at being sick, i learned i'm even worse at being sick when i'm on my own. i felt like death for a month, but thankfully i eventually got over it. took forever to even get diagnosed correctly.

this seemed to be the fall of weddings this year. some sweet friends from church got married in august, and i got to go with a great guy friend and have a blast just hanging out and catching up with other people who go to different services. then in november my life long friend got married and i got to help photograph it. it was a great opportunity and i felt very privileged to get to be a part of her special day and help her get ready. i'll have a sneak peak of that one up later.

three weeks ago my best friend gave birth to sweet baby girl, and i cannot wait to see them next week and cuddle her for a few days. i was so excited to go to work and tell them i had a new niece. the wait to see them has been ever worse since she was born. i am so excited to get her in my arms. between her and nash (the son of my good friend from church) i have some cute amazing babies in my life right now. thea's birth is possibly the best way to leave 2015 and will for sure be the best way to spend my birthday. only one thing would be better: spending my birthday with my blood niece and nephew.

leading a double-life

at church, we have been going through a book called the story. it's the major stories of the Bible in chronological order. today the preacher talked about how the Israelites got ready for the battle of Jericho. he talked about how God bypassed the previous generation because of their disobedience, how the new generation had to turn 100% to God and show it by all the men getting circumcised before they went to fight Jericho. he mentioned that God is always for us and always calling us to Him, we need to make sure we don't make Him bypass us because of our disobedience and not answering Him. 

it got me feeling like i have not been fully committed to God in all aspects of my life. i feel like i don't shine the light of God when i am at work. i let things make me angry when it is so small in the grand scheme of things. i am not the best steward of my time or money lately. i compare myself to others and get jealous of what they have instead of appreciating what i do have. i haven't been regular in my Bible reading or prayer life.

i keep knowing that i need to work on these issues, i keep acknowledging that i have been leading a "double-life". i play christian on sundays, with certain people and places, but i feel like i play world during the week at work or with other people. 

i can't keep saying i need to work on it.  i am fully aware of that. i need to talk with someone and become more accountable for these actions. i need to make a daily checklist and keep a list of the things God has given me, rather than focus on what my friends have. i need to block out time in my schedule for Bible reading and prayer life. i need to treat it like any other appointment until it is a regular part of my daily routine. i need help truly becoming who God made me to be, but for that to happen i need to be fully, 100% committed to God. i need to be aware of my actions and thoughts. i will need help with this. i will need people checking with me to make sure i am keeping up. i will need people to be aware enough to call me out, which means i will need to spend enough time and open up with people so they can see it. 

i am asking for help. i am asking for my friends near and far to support me, call me out, whatever it takes to keep me accountable. please help me. 

discovering who i am

friday night my friend michelle and i went to em chamas to watch game 3 of the world series. sadly, our kansas city royals couldn't pull out a win that night, but so glad they got the w saturday night! one more win and we are the champions! cue the queen song. 

michelle and i had some good conversation in between innings, and she made the comment that she appreciates that i am finding my own identity and figuring out who i am, and i am not relying on her to tell me what my identity is. it got me thinking about how true that statement has been lately. i used to be that person who relied on those around me to provide my identity to me. it has taken a lot of growth and lots of struggles and tears as i continue to figure out who i really am. when i relied on others, I was lost when something drastic happened. getting my own apartment and leaving platte city has really helped me in this process, it has helped me truly learn to rely on myself to survive and not to hide behind my parents or brothers. there are still parts where i struggle with this, and i know it will be a struggle until i figure out how to stop comparing myself with friends and other people and be content and confident in who i am, who God has created me to be. last week at church, pastor bil had even made a list of some of the person God has created me to be.

- a child of God (1 john 3:1-3)

- fearfully and wonderfully made (psalm 139:13-16)

- created on purpose, for a purpose (jeremiah 1:5)

- a masterpiece (eph 2:10)

- intended for good works (phil 1:6)

- powerful (eph 1:19-20)

- an ambassador of hope (2 cor 5:18-21)

- a soldier in God's army (eph 6:10-19)

- an overcomer (rom 8:31-37)

- victorious! ( 1 john 4:4)

the bold ones are ones i really need daily reminders of. like everyone else, i wonder what my purpose is. i wonder if God will ever actually show that to me. 2 tim 1:7 says "God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." how do i crack into that power get rid of this timidity? how do i begin to not hide behind these written words but instead be able to speak my words with a confidence and spirit that comes from God? 

these are some of the things i am trying to figure out as i continue to find my true identity. i am thankful for friends who help me discover the answers to these questions. friends like michelle, christina, felicia, my small group, my parents, different friends from church - sara, hilary, kathy. i am so thankful for the women God has put in my life to help me when i fall and help me discover who i am on my own. they help me and are willing to call me out when i need it. 

a safe place

so lately i've been binge watching frazier on netflix. i love this show, it's hilarious to me. niles is one of my favorite characters. the episode i am watching tonight mentions how he would hide under the piano when he was nervous about something, like little league try outs or this divorce he is going through. 

"oh, uh, it's a habit i developed as a child to combat anxiety. there's something about the safe, dark, protective environment that seemed comforting to me." 

every time i see this episode i think about when i was little and i would spend time on the floor in the hall closet. i liked sitting there in the dark and sometimes would even fall asleep in there. i would even sit and hide in my tiny bedroom closet. i am still not sure what was so great about it. i didn't do it out of fear or nervousness. it is just a place i would go and feel safe. even now i enjoy just sitting in my closet, and it's got a lot more room now. 

it makes me wonder where we get these odd habits that make us feel safe. if i need a good cry, instead of crying in the shower i would cry in my closet. many tears were shed in that tiny space. thankfully this new closet hasn't had to be initiated with that responsibility yet, although there have been plenty of times already where i still just sit there in the middle of the closet. even at 25 it is still a safe place for me. 

but why do i choose to cry in my closet alone and hidden with a false sense of security, when i could cry in my closet with God and have a real security around me. it has been a struggle for me more and more lately to run to God instead of hide; to share my struggles and fears and anxieties with Him instead of thinking i have this under control, when i am really barely holding it together. 

pretty much the whole month of july i have been feeling like death as i fought mono and am slowly getting back to normal. many tears were shed for no reason. eventually i was even able to tell my mom i wanted her to come visit me. (how pathetic is it that it took me a few weeks to finally verbalize that i needed and wanted my mommy, i didn't have the guts to say it from the beginning.) it is hard for me to admit feelings, even to my parents when i am sick and want them to take care of me still. I have learned i apparently do not know how to be sick on my own, but that's a whole other story. 

it is like i didn't think anyone would open the door and find me sitting on the floor. but inevitably that door would open to either mom or dad standing there saying i needed to get out of the closet. even though i still like just hanging out in my closet, i know it's not the safe place i think it is. it does me no good to cry in a closet alone, just like it does niles no good to sit under a piano instead of facing our problems head on. it is time for me to metaphorically step out of my closet and ask God to help me face my fears and my problems; to give me strength to verbalize my feelings so others can help me out. i can't stay sitting in there forever.