Friday, July 24, 2015

a safe place

so lately i've been binge watching frazier on netflix. i love this show, it's hilarious to me. niles is one of my favorite characters. the episode i am watching tonight mentions how he would hide under the piano when he was nervous about something, like little league try outs or this divorce he is going through. 

"oh, uh, it's a habit i developed as a child to combat anxiety. there's something about the safe, dark, protective environment that seemed comforting to me." 

every time i see this episode i think about when i was little and i would spend time on the floor in the hall closet. i liked sitting there in the dark and sometimes would even fall asleep in there. i would even sit and hide in my tiny bedroom closet. i am still not sure what was so great about it. i didn't do it out of fear or nervousness. it is just a place i would go and feel safe. even now i enjoy just sitting in my closet, and it's got a lot more room now. 

it makes me wonder where we get these odd habits that make us feel safe. if i need a good cry, instead of crying in the shower i would cry in my closet. many tears were shed in that tiny space. thankfully this new closet hasn't had to be initiated with that responsibility yet, although there have been plenty of times already where i still just sit there in the middle of the closet. even at 25 it is still a safe place for me. 

but why do i choose to cry in my closet alone and hidden with a false sense of security, when i could cry in my closet with God and have a real security around me. it has been a struggle for me more and more lately to run to God instead of hide; to share my struggles and fears and anxieties with Him instead of thinking i have this under control, when i am really barely holding it together. 

pretty much the whole month of july i have been feeling like death as i fought mono and am slowly getting back to normal. many tears were shed for no reason. eventually i was even able to tell my mom i wanted her to come visit me. (how pathetic is it that it took me a few weeks to finally verbalize that i needed and wanted my mommy, i didn't have the guts to say it from the beginning.) it is hard for me to admit feelings, even to my parents when i am sick and want them to take care of me still. I have learned i apparently do not know how to be sick on my own, but that's a whole other story. 

it is like i didn't think anyone would open the door and find me sitting on the floor. but inevitably that door would open to either mom or dad standing there saying i needed to get out of the closet. even though i still like just hanging out in my closet, i know it's not the safe place i think it is. it does me no good to cry in a closet alone, just like it does niles no good to sit under a piano instead of facing our problems head on. it is time for me to metaphorically step out of my closet and ask God to help me face my fears and my problems; to give me strength to verbalize my feelings so others can help me out. i can't stay sitting in there forever.

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