leading a double-life

at church, we have been going through a book called the story. it's the major stories of the Bible in chronological order. today the preacher talked about how the Israelites got ready for the battle of Jericho. he talked about how God bypassed the previous generation because of their disobedience, how the new generation had to turn 100% to God and show it by all the men getting circumcised before they went to fight Jericho. he mentioned that God is always for us and always calling us to Him, we need to make sure we don't make Him bypass us because of our disobedience and not answering Him. 

it got me feeling like i have not been fully committed to God in all aspects of my life. i feel like i don't shine the light of God when i am at work. i let things make me angry when it is so small in the grand scheme of things. i am not the best steward of my time or money lately. i compare myself to others and get jealous of what they have instead of appreciating what i do have. i haven't been regular in my Bible reading or prayer life.

i keep knowing that i need to work on these issues, i keep acknowledging that i have been leading a "double-life". i play christian on sundays, with certain people and places, but i feel like i play world during the week at work or with other people. 

i can't keep saying i need to work on it.  i am fully aware of that. i need to talk with someone and become more accountable for these actions. i need to make a daily checklist and keep a list of the things God has given me, rather than focus on what my friends have. i need to block out time in my schedule for Bible reading and prayer life. i need to treat it like any other appointment until it is a regular part of my daily routine. i need help truly becoming who God made me to be, but for that to happen i need to be fully, 100% committed to God. i need to be aware of my actions and thoughts. i will need help with this. i will need people checking with me to make sure i am keeping up. i will need people to be aware enough to call me out, which means i will need to spend enough time and open up with people so they can see it. 

i am asking for help. i am asking for my friends near and far to support me, call me out, whatever it takes to keep me accountable. please help me. 

discovering who i am

friday night my friend michelle and i went to em chamas to watch game 3 of the world series. sadly, our kansas city royals couldn't pull out a win that night, but so glad they got the w saturday night! one more win and we are the champions! cue the queen song. 

michelle and i had some good conversation in between innings, and she made the comment that she appreciates that i am finding my own identity and figuring out who i am, and i am not relying on her to tell me what my identity is. it got me thinking about how true that statement has been lately. i used to be that person who relied on those around me to provide my identity to me. it has taken a lot of growth and lots of struggles and tears as i continue to figure out who i really am. when i relied on others, I was lost when something drastic happened. getting my own apartment and leaving platte city has really helped me in this process, it has helped me truly learn to rely on myself to survive and not to hide behind my parents or brothers. there are still parts where i struggle with this, and i know it will be a struggle until i figure out how to stop comparing myself with friends and other people and be content and confident in who i am, who God has created me to be. last week at church, pastor bil had even made a list of some of the person God has created me to be.

- a child of God (1 john 3:1-3)

- fearfully and wonderfully made (psalm 139:13-16)

- created on purpose, for a purpose (jeremiah 1:5)

- a masterpiece (eph 2:10)

- intended for good works (phil 1:6)

- powerful (eph 1:19-20)

- an ambassador of hope (2 cor 5:18-21)

- a soldier in God's army (eph 6:10-19)

- an overcomer (rom 8:31-37)

- victorious! ( 1 john 4:4)

the bold ones are ones i really need daily reminders of. like everyone else, i wonder what my purpose is. i wonder if God will ever actually show that to me. 2 tim 1:7 says "God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." how do i crack into that power get rid of this timidity? how do i begin to not hide behind these written words but instead be able to speak my words with a confidence and spirit that comes from God? 

these are some of the things i am trying to figure out as i continue to find my true identity. i am thankful for friends who help me discover the answers to these questions. friends like michelle, christina, felicia, my small group, my parents, different friends from church - sara, hilary, kathy. i am so thankful for the women God has put in my life to help me when i fall and help me discover who i am on my own. they help me and are willing to call me out when i need it. 

a safe place

so lately i've been binge watching frazier on netflix. i love this show, it's hilarious to me. niles is one of my favorite characters. the episode i am watching tonight mentions how he would hide under the piano when he was nervous about something, like little league try outs or this divorce he is going through. 

"oh, uh, it's a habit i developed as a child to combat anxiety. there's something about the safe, dark, protective environment that seemed comforting to me." 

every time i see this episode i think about when i was little and i would spend time on the floor in the hall closet. i liked sitting there in the dark and sometimes would even fall asleep in there. i would even sit and hide in my tiny bedroom closet. i am still not sure what was so great about it. i didn't do it out of fear or nervousness. it is just a place i would go and feel safe. even now i enjoy just sitting in my closet, and it's got a lot more room now. 

it makes me wonder where we get these odd habits that make us feel safe. if i need a good cry, instead of crying in the shower i would cry in my closet. many tears were shed in that tiny space. thankfully this new closet hasn't had to be initiated with that responsibility yet, although there have been plenty of times already where i still just sit there in the middle of the closet. even at 25 it is still a safe place for me. 

but why do i choose to cry in my closet alone and hidden with a false sense of security, when i could cry in my closet with God and have a real security around me. it has been a struggle for me more and more lately to run to God instead of hide; to share my struggles and fears and anxieties with Him instead of thinking i have this under control, when i am really barely holding it together. 

pretty much the whole month of july i have been feeling like death as i fought mono and am slowly getting back to normal. many tears were shed for no reason. eventually i was even able to tell my mom i wanted her to come visit me. (how pathetic is it that it took me a few weeks to finally verbalize that i needed and wanted my mommy, i didn't have the guts to say it from the beginning.) it is hard for me to admit feelings, even to my parents when i am sick and want them to take care of me still. I have learned i apparently do not know how to be sick on my own, but that's a whole other story. 

it is like i didn't think anyone would open the door and find me sitting on the floor. but inevitably that door would open to either mom or dad standing there saying i needed to get out of the closet. even though i still like just hanging out in my closet, i know it's not the safe place i think it is. it does me no good to cry in a closet alone, just like it does niles no good to sit under a piano instead of facing our problems head on. it is time for me to metaphorically step out of my closet and ask God to help me face my fears and my problems; to give me strength to verbalize my feelings so others can help me out. i can't stay sitting in there forever.

it's been a while

holy wowza it's been quite a long time since i've been in this neck of the woods. life has been kinda crazy around here.

in january i moved into my own apartment. it's very slowly feeling like my own place, but other times it still feels like an extended house-sitting session. i really like having my own place though, and love having jeanette over on monday nights to watch the bachelorette with me. i also got rid of my facebook account around my birthday as well. crazy to thing that's part of how i haven't been around here in a while.

in february i started working at my new job. i am still not used to getting up so early, but thankfully God put me near some places to easily get coffee. but i also really like getting off work early, so it's worth it. i love this job though. (around mid-february i had a really bad week, but that friday was good at work when i got to hear a super brand new baby cry - nothing can really beat that sweet sound)

march was fairly uneventful, just getting used to this new life.

april is when i started a second new job. it's supposed to be every other weekend, and maybe by july it will actually work out that way. so i've been working like a fool. it's great for trying to get things paid off, but hard for any form of social life.

may was an exciting month. my big brother officially graduated from ku! i'm extremely proud of him for it. i don't even complain to him about the fact that my shoulder is STILL nasty from the sunburn i got that day. i also did the dam to dam 5k in des moines with my aunt and cousins. it wasn't a great time, 45:56, but i don't think it's really all that bad considering i had done NO training what so ever for it. every year i keep saying that i will get back into running, and every year it doesn't work out for me. what is something you do to get motivated for it and stay motivated?

in the few months since i've moved out, i feel like my relationship has had big ups and downs already. at first, i think i was trying to do too much of life on my own, and i think that is one thing that contributed to my really bad freak out week in february. for a while i was having doubts about if it was the right move, about if i was supposed to stay in the northland. recently, i feel like our relationship has been going up again. i have been trying to get back into praying daily and reading my Bible daily. some days are still hard to do it, but i need to work on making it a priority. i recently emailed my pastors about getting baptized again. the next scheduled baptisms from sunday morning church is july 19, or july 26 if i go with my saturday night church. or they said we could try to do it sometime earlier. it's been a big decision for me, and i am excited to see how it helps me.

also recently, like within the past week, i have been trying to figure out how to pray for my relationship with my future husband. it's hard to pray for someone who you don't know at all though. how do you pray for your future husband when you have no idea who he is? how do you know what to pray for specifically, and how to encourage him, when you don't know what is going on in his life?

year 25

instead of setting my goal/resolutions/word on new years day, i wait a week and start at my birthday instead. i figure this way i have a week to game plan, which is something this girl needs.

so, let's start with my word for my 25th year: confidence. all my life, i have had this bad habit of comparing myself to others which has given me this horribly low confidence level. thankfully, i have great friends who have been encouraging me with this. to do this, i am going to limit my time on social media, including things such as facebook, instagram, pinterest, and twitter. the last two i am hardly on, so that won't be a problem. the first two are a lot harder. at least for this birthday week, i will not be on facebook. we will see if this even leads to getting rid of them all together, minus instagram. 

i have also set some goals to achieve during this 25th year. 

1. read more: since i am now done with school, i actually have time to read for fun. if you didn't already know, i hated reading until i was 19, when my niece was born and i had to fill a 13 hour car ride to go see her. but over the past few years, i have really learned to enjoy it. so i want to expand my reading through the next year. 

this is the book i started last night 

2. cook more: i have always liked being in the kitchen and cooking. i like cooking more than baking, since there are less trips into the kitchen to put things in and out of the oven. i need to work on my health and fitness, and this will help rather than eating out as much. also, with me moving out on my own soon, i won't be able to live if i eat out all the time. i am pretty confident in the kitchen (it's like the one thing i am actually confident in) and i want to become better and more versatile in the kitchen. (i can keep the boy happy that way) i will also be drinking more water and less soda if i cook instead. 

3. walk more/get a workout routine: this goes with working on my health and fitness also. my mom got me a fit bit for christmas and my daily goal is 5,000 steps a day. depending on the day, i can reach that goal, but other days i am way off. i want to get back into running also. when i move, i will actually have sidewalks to run on, which will be a nice change. i will also be trying to work to incorporate weight lifting and stretching into my routine. the goal is that along with this i will start to lose some weight. 

4. get connected at desperation: this is the saturday night church that i started going to in the summer. i fully intend to continue going there, and so i need to get more connected there. i know very few people there right now, and i am determined for that to change. there is a group that meets on tuesday nights that people my age. i need to see what time it is at and hopefully i can start attending that as well. 

this is my fantastic small group from restore

if you could help keep me accountable on these, that would be great!