ever have one of those days...

...when you just feel extremely disconnected from everyone around you? i've kind of been having those days lately. it's hard to describe. like when i'm physically with the people and friends, i can feel connected to them, but sometimes i feel like i'm just kind of there, and then i start to feel disconnected. i think it's partly because when we aren't together, like say at small group, then we don't really talk or hang out. i know we all have such crazy schedules and that's why it's hard to hang out outside of group, but sometimes i feel like i don't even really fit in.

it's only been the past few years that i have kinda of become a "loner". my friends i talk to the most live in georgia and michigan. (by the way, i can't wait til june when the bff in michigan gets married and i get to see her) and the friends i have here are at such different stages of life, and our different schedules, make it seem harder to get together. in my head, i understand that it's all part of growing up and being an adult. but a lot of times i just really miss my friends.

please don't view any of this as a "feel sorry for me" post. i love my friends, and i love spending even the little time with them that i do. and i'm stoked for this weekend when i get to spend some quality time with hilary as she helps me learn more about editing pictures, and then sunday i get to spend time with ashley as we get pedicures together. we only get to have a few more pedicures together before she moves to georgia.

i just needed to get this out there. hopefully i can get out of this funk soon.

confession...

so i have something to admit, that i have been trying to deny for the past 23 years, aka forever. this confession is that i am an over eater. i don't mean to be, and i try to control it, but it's true. and it seems to happen at least once a day. and it's unbelievably hard to even admit it through typing. i have yet to actually say it out loud.

my weight has been a struggle for me for as long as i can remember. even when i was younger, people called my chubby (which is way worse than them actually saying fat) and my brothers would straight up say i was fat. i've tried exercising and dieting, and am constantly trying to stay on pace with it, but it feels impossible for me to lose weight. so what do i do? i go to the kitchen and find something to snack on. it's a struggle that makes me feel horrible in every aspect.

physically, i hate my body and feel like i'm going to puke when i over eat. i've been getting better at starting to eat when i feel hungry, and not just whenever. but i still go until it feels like i'm going to explode. which in turn makes me hate myself even more. (this is really the main self-esteem/self-image problem that i have. besides weight and acne, i'm actually pretty confident with myself)

emotionally, i am disappointed with myself every time it happens. and it's not jus the "oh i did bad this time" disappointment. it's the "constantly failing at something so simple" disappointment. and i feel like it's just been getting worse lately.

spiritually, i feel like i fail God when i over eat. i also feel like i fail him when i say i hate myself and am disappointed in myself because of it. i am aware that he has made me a certain way and i should be confident in that, but i'm not, and i feel like it's as huge of a let down for him as it is for me.

i started this devo a few weeks ago by the founder of www.wonderfullymade.org called healthy eating and abundant living, aka heal. but i feel like for me, it hasn't been as effective as it could be. and i don't know if this is because i'm still stuck in my ways and don't know how to get out, or because i'm going at it alone and have no one to keep me accountable, so i let myself slide and get away with things.

i know they say admitting there is a problem is the first step, but i also know there is a lot more to it than that. i would love if you would be willing to help keep me accountable.

quick update

hey y'all. it's been kinda crazy the past few weeks. last friday, march 8, my church had a "birthday party" for our 5 year anniversary. they asked me to help take pictures, which was a blast. we just celebrated what the past 5 years have been like, and talked about our plans for the next few years. next week we are launching our brookeside campus! it's so exciting and i can't wait to hear stories about it! i am hoping there are a few weeks i can go down there and help them out if they need it. here are a few pictures from the party.

erica, the kids city director for brookeside, and her sweet daugher

one of the most photogenic kids ever! i love his big brown eyes. he's gonna be a heart throb

lindsey, my kids city director, and her lovely daughter, who will be a big sister soon!

janet, the pastor's wife.

me and my friend kelli. she's been a great lady to get to know and has such a strong faith. i love getting to spend time with her. 

kelli's husband and son. he's one of my favorite kids. 

pastor troy

sweet kid, after crying that mom and dad left him. it was unexpected from the kids point of view. 

about the only two not crying. 

happy boy. (this picture was horribly dark when i took it, still not the best)

big kids got to watch a magician. i heard an adult wants him to come for his 29th birthday party. 

tommy, the former worship leader, who went back to chicago to start a church with his wife and their mentor. 

one of my favorite pictures of the night. i love how excited this kid is to get the hold the bird. 

i wish the one was clearer. it's lindsey's daughter and the bunny, but the poor bunny had tons of kids around. hence the blurry. 

praying for the brookeside team.

this sweet girl is the bass players daughter. she was up there dancing after the closing prayer. 

then the following sunday, march 10, we had five people get baptized. i love watching the baptisms, and these ones seemed extra special to me since everyone got baptized by family. they had me take pictures of them as well. i'm blessed to be able to get to do things like this for the church. i honestly never thought i would get these opportunities. 

tuesday i started a new class. it's not bad, except i have to drive in city traffic to get there. i firmly believe there is a reason i was raised in a small town rather than the city itself. independence has horrible traffic, and this is what i get to look forward to for the next 10 weeks. not too excited. but the class is good, and it's nice to be able to apply what i'm learning. i've really been enjoying the job. it's so different from the y, and a very welcome change. 

i've been trying to get back into working out. i don't work on thursdays until 4, so i like that i can go to the gym in the morning and do some cardio, and then i am planning to start doing personal training with my friend again. it will be great to get back into a routine, and great to see her again. i went to small group with my parents tonight, and a lady in the group told me the work has been paying off and she can see a difference. it was great to hear. then i was talking with my best friend and she said she noticed it also in a picture i put on instagram, and said i looked more confident too. it's so reassuring that other people are starting to notice, and it's not all a wasted effort. 

i am signing up for three 5ks again this year. one is a fun run, and i'm super excited for it. it's around arrowhead stadium, and at the end you get to run into the stadium and the finish line is the 50 yard line. my friend is doing it also, so i'm excited for that one in may. i'm also doing the dam to dam again with my aunt in june, and at the end of june i will be doing the glow run again with my friend that i ran it with last year. so i'm training for these, along with trying to lose weight for my bff's wedding june 8! (and by the way, this best friend just joined the blog world. you should totally go check out her blog!!) 

any fun things going on in y'all's lives?

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february...in pictures

so february was kind of a crazy month. i started my second job, and started transitioning out of the y. all of this along with classes, small group, church, and attempting to spend time with family. aside from small group, i don't get to see friend often which essentially translates into never seeing them. but i was able to do a photo-a-day challenge, which is an accomplishment in itself for me these days.

day 28: something i am looking forward to. 

in other news, today was the monthly leadership meeting for church. in three short weeks, we are launching a third campus in brookside. crazy that in the 5 years restore has been around, we are now at three campuses. (happy 5 year birthday to restore, it was march 2, 2008 that the church was launched in kansas city) 

also, i haven't straightened my hair in two weeks. HUGE accomplishment for me. it's hard learning to embrace the curls i have naturally, but i'm slowly figuring it out. there are days i still want to straighten it. but i know if i do it will lead to me straightening it every day again. so for now i'm trying my hardest to feel comfortable and confident in my curls. how are things going for you?