discouraged.

i feel like i've been having one of those days, except it's been going off and on for i don't even know how long. i feel like more often than not lately i've been in this weird mood where i don't feel connected to anyone. i've always felt kind of like i didn't belong in my family, and i think i know some of those underlying issues, but that's a different story. if you follow me on instagram you have possibly seen my note about how i don't feel like i know anything about my brothers.

and having my best friends far away doesn't help me at all. i have friends here, but i usually only get to see them once a week at small group, or twice at church if i'm lucky, or not at all.

i'm also feeling overwhelmed, with practically everything. i can barely stay on top of my homework for school. i haven't even been able to read anything for small group on thursday, which is a problem since i'm the leader. my hours at work have been up and down, and this is an up week, which is good, except i have less time to try to get stuff done. this mary kay and photography is seeming a flop so far.

basically this has all led to me being extremely discouraged and i don't know what to do. aside from writing things (which at times makes me feel like a coward) i don't know how to express these things/feelings to anyone. i've been crying a lot more lately than i feel like i normally do. it's a really annoying part of my personality that so many times i have wished i could change, but i know i can't.

and i have been praying about it, and would really appreciate more prayers. and sorry if this sounded like a pity party, that is never my intention.

whirlwind

these past few weeks have become a bit of a blur. i did my second 5k of the year with my aunt (and beat my time from last year), i started classes again, and i got to be a part of my best friend marrying her best friend.

dam to dam
june 1 was the dam to dam. this was the second year i did it with my aunt. i had a blast with it, and it was for real the perfect day for running. my dad went up with me again, i love getting to spend time with him. julie and i ran, and each beat our times from last year. i took a minute and ten seconds off of my time, so this year it was 43:57. i was quite proud of myself for that. i still have another 5k left, and hopefully i can continue to improve.

school
classes started again june 3. it's hard to be motivated sometimes, i just want to be done so badly. i'm still driving to independence every week, which sucks on the gas. and then i have a class in zona, so much closer. neither of these classes are super interesting so far, but they are core classes. praying i can survive.

wedding
so this weekend was a whirlwind. my beautiful best friend married her best friend. i flew to michigan june 6 with my mom, which was great because we got there just in time for her bachelorette party. friday was a nice day of just getting the hall decorated, getting nails done, rehearsing, and just getting to hang out with everyone. (which for me meant meeting everyone except feesh and jay) i feel so blessed that she asked me to be a part of the day for her. the wedding was beautiful, and very "them". the reception was a blast. pretty sure the bridesmaids cried more than she did. i wish i could have spent more quality time with everyone there, but i thoroughly enjoyed my time in michigan with everyone.

home
after we got home, joel had talked about going to a small group that meets on sunday nights (since that's the only evening he's able to go to one) i tried getting him to actually go with me sunday night instead of just talk about it, but i was the only one who went. (still enjoyed my time there) hoping i can get him to go next week. on the drive home i had a tiny breakdown though, just thinking about friends leaving and moving to the next stages of life, and me feeling left behind. and feeling pressure to lead my own small group as well as ashley did. i know it's pressure i'm just putting on myself, but it's still there.

how have y'al been lately?

1 down, 2 to go

wow it's been a while =/ life has been kinda crazy. school is done for like a week and a half (the joys of going all year round), i've been working a lot at cvs (still enjoying it) and this is my last month on the schedule at the y for a bit (will be going to a sub list) along with trying to figure out how to be a leader for small group, which starts in second week of june. the weekend of may 31-june 1or2 i will be in iowa for my second year doing the dam to dam in des moines with my aunt. i'm pretty stoked for it, also just for the family time. then june 6-9 i will be in michigan to see my best friend and be a part of her wedding. can't believe she's getting married! so happy for them, and they recently graduated from gvsu and very proud of them for that.

as some of you may know, i've been working towards getting healthier by running/working out more and control my eating. running has been my main focus lately. this past saturday some friends and i ran the chiefs 5k. (my first one of the year, 2 more to go) it was a blast! we ran around the parking lots around arrowhead, and got to finish by running through the same hall the players run through, onto the field, and go to finish on the 50 yard line, with casey wolf (yes i got my picture with him =]) and some of the cheerleaders there. i was in heaven haha. after the race they let us go in and see the locker room. one of the guys we went with dressed up as leon sandcastle, and the chiefs even had a locker in there for him with some gear in it.

our group

their seats. 

kathy and i headed into the locker room

we were good at one point. 

love his name. and gotta show love to the kicker. 

so they had the arrowhead blocked of so it doesn't get dirty with the thousands of people that were there. the players don't even walk/step on it when they are in there. 

leon and his locker

game day schedule

another great thing was friday as we went to get our packets, we went to bd's mongolian for dinner (delish) and when we walked out we got to see the wiener mobile!!!!! and then it was in platte city sunday when mom and i went to the grocery store. 

all the adults became little kids again. it was great!

small group break

so, breaks from small group are hard on me. in case it isn't obvious, i don't do well with being home all the time, and most of my friends live far away, so during breaks i spend a lot of time at home alone. and it's really hard on me. i am a person who desires real relationships with my friends (i think that may be one reason these breaks are hard on me), and spending time at home doesn't help with this.

it's ironic that in church, the message was about connecting with people. whether it's through a small group, or a 2|3 group (basically a group of 2-3 people doing life together). restore is very intentional about getting people connected with others, and i understand why they have breaks from small groups, but i feel like these breaks are forever long, and i would love to just go year round. my group is going to try to be getting together and still hanging out through the break, but i know i'm missing at least 2 weeks in a row of that. (which is a huge bummer)

i would love to try to start a 2|3 with a friend or two. not sure who i could do it with, due to different schedules, and mine that changes every few months, but i would love to give it a try, even if we aren't able to meet every week. anyone in the northland area want to join me?

ramblings from a crazy life

so it's been kinda crazy in my life lately. i have been cutting back hours at the y and getting more at cvs. (yay) i also recently decided to become a mary kay consultant. (if you want anything, let me know) i'm nervous about it, because i'm not really a sales person, and don't really know how to bring it up in conversation. since i don't wear make up all the time, it's not a typical conversation for me to begin with.

i've also been prepping for when ashley are aaron leave (boo!) wednesday we (small group) had an "ashley party" to end the session and as a birthday party for her. she was quick surprised, which was great. i'm treating her to pedicures this wednesday, since it's what we do. i'm hoping i'm as good of a leader for the group as she was. at least i will be tag-teaming it with another girl from group.

i've still been trying to run/work out consistently. (been a bit harder these past few days with the extra long winter we've been having here) my first 5k is the 18th (the chiefs 5k, ending on the 50 yard line!). pretty sure this is going to be a slow one, i'm still really out of shape, but at least it will be something. then in june i'm doing the dam to dam again in des moines with my aunt, and at the end of june i'm doing the glow run again. i'm excited for all of these.

i'm still trying to lose weight for felicia's wedding. i seem to be stuck at the 171-173 area. have yet to break below 170. i'm thinking of signing up for weight watchers online to help me get there. i have a friend who does it and she's been loving her results. i think it might also help with my over-eating. i am trying to do some research on it. do any of y'all have any reviews on it? i would love to hear them.

i've been trying to get more organized with my life. been trying to keep my car and bedroom clean (going to target tomorrow for some help) and trying to tackle my bathroom. this part is a bit more difficult since i share it with my brother and can't just throw everything in sight away. (that's how my car usually gets cleaned) i feel like it's kinda been working, but still need a lot of help. thankfully i have friends like jeanette who are willing to help with these crazy adventures of mine.

this cold weather has been making me cranky, so i went to the salon and got my hair darkened today to make me happier. loving this darker color. 

other than that school is still slowly killing my soul. who knows how much longer i have =/ but proud of felicia and jayme for graduating from gvsu! they let me know i will get there soon. blessed by them.