1 down, 2 to go

wow it's been a while =/ life has been kinda crazy. school is done for like a week and a half (the joys of going all year round), i've been working a lot at cvs (still enjoying it) and this is my last month on the schedule at the y for a bit (will be going to a sub list) along with trying to figure out how to be a leader for small group, which starts in second week of june. the weekend of may 31-june 1or2 i will be in iowa for my second year doing the dam to dam in des moines with my aunt. i'm pretty stoked for it, also just for the family time. then june 6-9 i will be in michigan to see my best friend and be a part of her wedding. can't believe she's getting married! so happy for them, and they recently graduated from gvsu and very proud of them for that.

as some of you may know, i've been working towards getting healthier by running/working out more and control my eating. running has been my main focus lately. this past saturday some friends and i ran the chiefs 5k. (my first one of the year, 2 more to go) it was a blast! we ran around the parking lots around arrowhead, and got to finish by running through the same hall the players run through, onto the field, and go to finish on the 50 yard line, with casey wolf (yes i got my picture with him =]) and some of the cheerleaders there. i was in heaven haha. after the race they let us go in and see the locker room. one of the guys we went with dressed up as leon sandcastle, and the chiefs even had a locker in there for him with some gear in it.

our group

their seats. 

kathy and i headed into the locker room

we were good at one point. 

love his name. and gotta show love to the kicker. 

so they had the arrowhead blocked of so it doesn't get dirty with the thousands of people that were there. the players don't even walk/step on it when they are in there. 

leon and his locker

game day schedule

another great thing was friday as we went to get our packets, we went to bd's mongolian for dinner (delish) and when we walked out we got to see the wiener mobile!!!!! and then it was in platte city sunday when mom and i went to the grocery store. 

all the adults became little kids again. it was great!

small group break

so, breaks from small group are hard on me. in case it isn't obvious, i don't do well with being home all the time, and most of my friends live far away, so during breaks i spend a lot of time at home alone. and it's really hard on me. i am a person who desires real relationships with my friends (i think that may be one reason these breaks are hard on me), and spending time at home doesn't help with this.

it's ironic that in church, the message was about connecting with people. whether it's through a small group, or a 2|3 group (basically a group of 2-3 people doing life together). restore is very intentional about getting people connected with others, and i understand why they have breaks from small groups, but i feel like these breaks are forever long, and i would love to just go year round. my group is going to try to be getting together and still hanging out through the break, but i know i'm missing at least 2 weeks in a row of that. (which is a huge bummer)

i would love to try to start a 2|3 with a friend or two. not sure who i could do it with, due to different schedules, and mine that changes every few months, but i would love to give it a try, even if we aren't able to meet every week. anyone in the northland area want to join me?

ramblings from a crazy life

so it's been kinda crazy in my life lately. i have been cutting back hours at the y and getting more at cvs. (yay) i also recently decided to become a mary kay consultant. (if you want anything, let me know) i'm nervous about it, because i'm not really a sales person, and don't really know how to bring it up in conversation. since i don't wear make up all the time, it's not a typical conversation for me to begin with.

i've also been prepping for when ashley are aaron leave (boo!) wednesday we (small group) had an "ashley party" to end the session and as a birthday party for her. she was quick surprised, which was great. i'm treating her to pedicures this wednesday, since it's what we do. i'm hoping i'm as good of a leader for the group as she was. at least i will be tag-teaming it with another girl from group.

i've still been trying to run/work out consistently. (been a bit harder these past few days with the extra long winter we've been having here) my first 5k is the 18th (the chiefs 5k, ending on the 50 yard line!). pretty sure this is going to be a slow one, i'm still really out of shape, but at least it will be something. then in june i'm doing the dam to dam again in des moines with my aunt, and at the end of june i'm doing the glow run again. i'm excited for all of these.

i'm still trying to lose weight for felicia's wedding. i seem to be stuck at the 171-173 area. have yet to break below 170. i'm thinking of signing up for weight watchers online to help me get there. i have a friend who does it and she's been loving her results. i think it might also help with my over-eating. i am trying to do some research on it. do any of y'all have any reviews on it? i would love to hear them.

i've been trying to get more organized with my life. been trying to keep my car and bedroom clean (going to target tomorrow for some help) and trying to tackle my bathroom. this part is a bit more difficult since i share it with my brother and can't just throw everything in sight away. (that's how my car usually gets cleaned) i feel like it's kinda been working, but still need a lot of help. thankfully i have friends like jeanette who are willing to help with these crazy adventures of mine.

this cold weather has been making me cranky, so i went to the salon and got my hair darkened today to make me happier. loving this darker color. 

other than that school is still slowly killing my soul. who knows how much longer i have =/ but proud of felicia and jayme for graduating from gvsu! they let me know i will get there soon. blessed by them.

ever have one of those days...

...when you just feel extremely disconnected from everyone around you? i've kind of been having those days lately. it's hard to describe. like when i'm physically with the people and friends, i can feel connected to them, but sometimes i feel like i'm just kind of there, and then i start to feel disconnected. i think it's partly because when we aren't together, like say at small group, then we don't really talk or hang out. i know we all have such crazy schedules and that's why it's hard to hang out outside of group, but sometimes i feel like i don't even really fit in.

it's only been the past few years that i have kinda of become a "loner". my friends i talk to the most live in georgia and michigan. (by the way, i can't wait til june when the bff in michigan gets married and i get to see her) and the friends i have here are at such different stages of life, and our different schedules, make it seem harder to get together. in my head, i understand that it's all part of growing up and being an adult. but a lot of times i just really miss my friends.

please don't view any of this as a "feel sorry for me" post. i love my friends, and i love spending even the little time with them that i do. and i'm stoked for this weekend when i get to spend some quality time with hilary as she helps me learn more about editing pictures, and then sunday i get to spend time with ashley as we get pedicures together. we only get to have a few more pedicures together before she moves to georgia.

i just needed to get this out there. hopefully i can get out of this funk soon.

confession...

so i have something to admit, that i have been trying to deny for the past 23 years, aka forever. this confession is that i am an over eater. i don't mean to be, and i try to control it, but it's true. and it seems to happen at least once a day. and it's unbelievably hard to even admit it through typing. i have yet to actually say it out loud.

my weight has been a struggle for me for as long as i can remember. even when i was younger, people called my chubby (which is way worse than them actually saying fat) and my brothers would straight up say i was fat. i've tried exercising and dieting, and am constantly trying to stay on pace with it, but it feels impossible for me to lose weight. so what do i do? i go to the kitchen and find something to snack on. it's a struggle that makes me feel horrible in every aspect.

physically, i hate my body and feel like i'm going to puke when i over eat. i've been getting better at starting to eat when i feel hungry, and not just whenever. but i still go until it feels like i'm going to explode. which in turn makes me hate myself even more. (this is really the main self-esteem/self-image problem that i have. besides weight and acne, i'm actually pretty confident with myself)

emotionally, i am disappointed with myself every time it happens. and it's not jus the "oh i did bad this time" disappointment. it's the "constantly failing at something so simple" disappointment. and i feel like it's just been getting worse lately.

spiritually, i feel like i fail God when i over eat. i also feel like i fail him when i say i hate myself and am disappointed in myself because of it. i am aware that he has made me a certain way and i should be confident in that, but i'm not, and i feel like it's as huge of a let down for him as it is for me.

i started this devo a few weeks ago by the founder of www.wonderfullymade.org called healthy eating and abundant living, aka heal. but i feel like for me, it hasn't been as effective as it could be. and i don't know if this is because i'm still stuck in my ways and don't know how to get out, or because i'm going at it alone and have no one to keep me accountable, so i let myself slide and get away with things.

i know they say admitting there is a problem is the first step, but i also know there is a lot more to it than that. i would love if you would be willing to help keep me accountable.