time for transition

i can't believe it's new years eve already! this year has seemed to fly by, and brought a lot of change and growth with it. at the start of the year, i decided to have a word i was going to focus on this year. the word was content. i'll be honest, i struggled with that a lot still. but i feel like it helped me this year as well. yes, there were still times i let my circumstances get the better of me, but i tried to be aware of when that happened and change my mindset as quickly as possible. and i feel like that has helped me as i end this year with transition. 

in november, i finally finished classes. in may, i will be walking at graduation with an associates degree for pharmacy technician. i passed my certification test in november as well, and am currently in the process of looking for a new job at a hospital in the kansas city area. i love my people at cvs, but i am ready for something new. 

i also recently got approved for an apartment in the northland, so january 17 i will be moving out of my parents house, finally. i told my mom this was going to be a good birthday present. we have talked a lot recently about how i just need to finally take this step and move out. this is a spacious apartment for a pretty reasonable price in the area, so i took the step and applied. i can't wait to take this next step and move out. i am a little anxious about it, and i have a lot to do in just over 2 weeks. 

i just got back from a family trip to california. my aunt and uncle live north of the bay, and my brother and his family live on the south side. i loved getting to see all of them again. i loved playing tourist around san fransisco. i was super excited when we got to see the full house house. we visited stanford's campus and then later got to have a private tour of  cal's campus, where my uncle works. my favorite part was the views from golden gate and just getting to spend time with the family. i was able to cross a few more things off my bucket list. still have a lot of international traveling on there i want to do. 

this year, i also started going to a saturday night church along with my sunday morning church. i started going there over the summer, when i was being scheduled on sunday mornings a lot. it is a great option, and i have really enjoyed going there. now that i'm not in classes any more, i am hoping i can start doing more there and getting more connected. the people i have met there have been so sweet and generous. i can't wait to see what 2015 has in store for desperation. 

it's crazy to think tomorrow is a new year. in 8 days i turn 25, and i've already been going through a quarter life crisis. i haven't taken time to sit down and set my goals for my 25th year of life, or to focus on what i am going to work on for the year. I guess i have 8 days to figure it out. 

i hope everyone has a safe night and has had a great 2014. 

christmas joy and stress

yesterday, i finally got to see the kansas city ballet's performance of the nutcracker. merry christmas and happy birthday to me.

 it has been on my list forever, and my friend said he would go with me. i was beyond excited for it, and it was well worth the money. growing up i always asked my parents if i could do dance, but i played soccer and by the time i came around we were only allowed one activity at a time. soccer won for me. my cousins danced and i loved when I got to go to iowa and watch them with my grandparents. i still wish i could do like an adult beginners class somewhere, but i still just don't have the time for it. 

after the performance, brandon gave me a present. (i am never good at buying christmas presents, so i took the easy route and made him cookies) he remembered i said a lot of my bucket list is traveling around the world, so he was super sweet and got me a passport cover, and now i just need to finally get a passport and start traveling. 

the holidays are always stressful for me. i am better at getting people presents through out the year, but there is so much emphasis on getting gifts for people during this time. then i feel bad when people get me sweet gifts, but i have nothing to give them. thankfully my friends and family are awesome and are  okay with gifts whenever. this year it's been harder for me since i will actually get to see my niece and nephew, but i haven't been able to get them anything to open when we are out there. and that's the part that is mostly stressing me out. sadly, at 5 and 3, i am not sure how well they understand the importance of being with family more than getting gifts. 

for now, i will continue to try and not let it get to me, and hopefully i can just buy them a gift they want while i am out there. not getting to see them often doesn't make any of this any easier for me. 

so holidays stress anyone else out as much as they do for me? 

coffee date? sure!

let's have a coffee date. just to catch up. it's been a while since i've been on here. i've been busy with school (which thank goodness is almost over!) and work has been short handed, so i've been getting busier there more again. but let's take some time, grab coffee, and just chat.

1. i've been apartment and job searching. i found a place in liberty that i REALLY liked, but mom pointed out moving to liberty just to drive back every day would be a bad idea. i applied to a job at liberty hospital, and am working to set up a phone interview there. i'm excited and nervous about that. i like my job, but it's been so stressful lately, and i'm just getting burnt out on it. the stress and having people get mad at us for things that aren't our fault. i think i'm just ready for some new scenery. plus, i'm not anywhere in life where i thought i would be by now, and in some aspects i feel like a failure for that. it's been really hard on me lately. i even had a little melt down about it this afternoon

2. my heart has been conflicted for a while now. in all sorts of aspects. i've been wondering for a bit now if i'm at the right church for me, or if i'm even in the right small group. (sadly, i'm feeling this one is more of a "no you're not") i've been thinking and praying for a while about getting rebaptized, but i feel like i need to see more what is said about it.

3. i've been trying to get back into working out consistently and eating better, but it's been so hard for me lately. i do personal training with a girl from church, and she kicks my butt good every time we work out, but life has been getting in the way lately, and it's been a while since we've been able to get together. (if you are in the northland area and want a good trainer, i definitely recommend both of these girls) and with school and work, i feel like i don't have time at home to work out because i'm reading and doing homework more often. it's been a big struggle and i NEED to make it a bigger priority than it is at now. my pharmacist told me of a youtube channel called fitness blender, so i'm gonna have to try that out also.

4. i've been having "tattoo-fever" really bad recently. it's been about two and a half years since i got my last one, and i'm so ready for a new one, just don't have the money for it. i'll just have to live without a new one for now.

5. i'm so proud of the royals. this has been a great experience while in the playoffs. kansas city is a proud town to begin with, and seeing the city painted in royal blue is amazing! the guys seem to be having a great time while playing as well. i'm so excited for the game tonight, and can't wait for them to come back to kansas city and win it all!

6. yesterday i got to have another photo session with hilary. it was a blast and i'm so excited to see how they turn out! plus, she got to do a session with some distant cousins in the afternoon, and from what i hear, those are going to look amazing also. i always feel so awesome and confident when i spend time with her. she's a great friend and a super talented photographer. i'm so glad to have her as my friend and so thankful that she's willing to help me when i have photography questions.

well that's about all i got for this coffee date. i'm so glad we were able to catch up. what new and exciting things are going on in your life?

our relationship is now a hate/hate relationship

not my relationship with anybody, but my relationship with running. i used to at least semi-enjoy running. i may have hated myself as i was actually going on that run, but i liked how it made me feel after. i've never been good at running, but i tried to convince myself if i continued to run, i would eventually learn to love it. it's stayed at a tolerance.

but lately my tolerance for running has gone even lower. now, it's more like a down right hatred, especially when i have to run with other people. i have a horrible habit of comparing myself to other (in every aspect of life lately) and so lately, running has made me feel like a failure. i run with other people, and they are all faster than me and i'm always so much further behind, and i just hate it. and then i just don't want to run at all.

i feel really good about every other aspect of my workouts with sara and crystal, except the running. yeah, my cardio needs improvement. i've known that for a while. but there are so many things i would rather do than run now. i need to find a way to get back to the point where i did more than tolerate running. doe anyone have any ideas or suggestions?

on a side note, today was my last on my hospital internship, which makes me sad. i loved spending time there and it just made me want to work in a hospital even more.
also, i'm signed up to take my technician certification test in mid-november and kinda freaking out already. please pray i don't psych myself out for it and remember everything i have learned in class and work.

truth

lately, i have felt very alone.  my best friends live far away, it's been over a year since i've seen either one of them. it makes me cry a lot. thank goodness for phones, instagram, and facebook so we can keep in touch haha.

but the friends i have here i still don't ever see. i don't feel connected to anyone lately, except for one girl i work with. i almost never get to see or talk to my friends from church. i know i'm partly to blame, i don't reach out as often as i probably should. but i feel excluded sometimes and feel like i don't really know anyone anymore. i don't even get to see my brother as often as i would like.

i'm wondering if God is trying to tell me i'm supposed to be somewhere else, or doing something else. i wonder if i'm supposed to change churches, or jobs, or cities. i don't know what to do, and i know the only way to truly figure it out is to pray about it.

sometimes i just need to say things like this and just get it off my chest.