happy 2016

another crazy year has come and gone, and this one was a doozy. in a nutshell, i moved out of platte city, got two new jobs at two different hospitals, got fantastically sick, saw some dear friends get married, moved to a new building/position at one hospital, got a new niece, and did a lot of growing and changing. it's always interesting to sit down and think about everything that happened in the last year, and contemplate what will come in the next year.

some of my friendships fell apart over the last year, some grew stronger, while others still didn't make it through the year at all. i have no doubt that all of these things happened for a specific reason, and i am so thankful for them, whether i realize why it happened or not. when i think about it, i try to find something i can learn from all of those people.

moving out was a big thing for me. the 17 is actually my move in anniversary. it was a big step, but i have to admit, it is so great to come home to my own place. it's hard for me to not be a hermit, and i try very hard to make sure i'm not a 100% hermit. the introvert in me finds it so much easier to sit at home with netflix or a book and just curl up on the couch. but that's not where friendships and life happen, so i try to force myself to go out.

i have been loving my positions at the hospitals. february is my anniversary at one, and april is my anniversary at the other. they have been great opportunities. one hospital is the same one my dad works at, and i try to make sure i do a good job, not just because i take pride in my job, but because i want to make sure my dad is proud of me as well. (i am even thinking about signing up for some classes and trying to get in to pharmacy school, but at the same time i am scared of letting him down) in october we opened up a new pharmacy for an ambulatory building (outpatient clinics and some outpatient surgeries as well) it's going extremely slow right now, but we are starting to pick up as more clinics open. i am ready for the whole thing to be open though.

july i felt like i had the plague, turned out it was just mono. i'm not good at being sick, i had an impossible time accepting the face that i was tired for no reason. i already knew i wasn't good at being sick, i learned i'm even worse at being sick when i'm on my own. i felt like death for a month, but thankfully i eventually got over it. took forever to even get diagnosed correctly.

this seemed to be the fall of weddings this year. some sweet friends from church got married in august, and i got to go with a great guy friend and have a blast just hanging out and catching up with other people who go to different services. then in november my life long friend got married and i got to help photograph it. it was a great opportunity and i felt very privileged to get to be a part of her special day and help her get ready. i'll have a sneak peak of that one up later.

three weeks ago my best friend gave birth to sweet baby girl, and i cannot wait to see them next week and cuddle her for a few days. i was so excited to go to work and tell them i had a new niece. the wait to see them has been ever worse since she was born. i am so excited to get her in my arms. between her and nash (the son of my good friend from church) i have some cute amazing babies in my life right now. thea's birth is possibly the best way to leave 2015 and will for sure be the best way to spend my birthday. only one thing would be better: spending my birthday with my blood niece and nephew.

leading a double-life

at church, we have been going through a book called the story. it's the major stories of the Bible in chronological order. today the preacher talked about how the Israelites got ready for the battle of Jericho. he talked about how God bypassed the previous generation because of their disobedience, how the new generation had to turn 100% to God and show it by all the men getting circumcised before they went to fight Jericho. he mentioned that God is always for us and always calling us to Him, we need to make sure we don't make Him bypass us because of our disobedience and not answering Him. 

it got me feeling like i have not been fully committed to God in all aspects of my life. i feel like i don't shine the light of God when i am at work. i let things make me angry when it is so small in the grand scheme of things. i am not the best steward of my time or money lately. i compare myself to others and get jealous of what they have instead of appreciating what i do have. i haven't been regular in my Bible reading or prayer life.

i keep knowing that i need to work on these issues, i keep acknowledging that i have been leading a "double-life". i play christian on sundays, with certain people and places, but i feel like i play world during the week at work or with other people. 

i can't keep saying i need to work on it.  i am fully aware of that. i need to talk with someone and become more accountable for these actions. i need to make a daily checklist and keep a list of the things God has given me, rather than focus on what my friends have. i need to block out time in my schedule for Bible reading and prayer life. i need to treat it like any other appointment until it is a regular part of my daily routine. i need help truly becoming who God made me to be, but for that to happen i need to be fully, 100% committed to God. i need to be aware of my actions and thoughts. i will need help with this. i will need people checking with me to make sure i am keeping up. i will need people to be aware enough to call me out, which means i will need to spend enough time and open up with people so they can see it. 

i am asking for help. i am asking for my friends near and far to support me, call me out, whatever it takes to keep me accountable. please help me. 

discovering who i am

friday night my friend michelle and i went to em chamas to watch game 3 of the world series. sadly, our kansas city royals couldn't pull out a win that night, but so glad they got the w saturday night! one more win and we are the champions! cue the queen song. 

michelle and i had some good conversation in between innings, and she made the comment that she appreciates that i am finding my own identity and figuring out who i am, and i am not relying on her to tell me what my identity is. it got me thinking about how true that statement has been lately. i used to be that person who relied on those around me to provide my identity to me. it has taken a lot of growth and lots of struggles and tears as i continue to figure out who i really am. when i relied on others, I was lost when something drastic happened. getting my own apartment and leaving platte city has really helped me in this process, it has helped me truly learn to rely on myself to survive and not to hide behind my parents or brothers. there are still parts where i struggle with this, and i know it will be a struggle until i figure out how to stop comparing myself with friends and other people and be content and confident in who i am, who God has created me to be. last week at church, pastor bil had even made a list of some of the person God has created me to be.

- a child of God (1 john 3:1-3)

- fearfully and wonderfully made (psalm 139:13-16)

- created on purpose, for a purpose (jeremiah 1:5)

- a masterpiece (eph 2:10)

- intended for good works (phil 1:6)

- powerful (eph 1:19-20)

- an ambassador of hope (2 cor 5:18-21)

- a soldier in God's army (eph 6:10-19)

- an overcomer (rom 8:31-37)

- victorious! ( 1 john 4:4)

the bold ones are ones i really need daily reminders of. like everyone else, i wonder what my purpose is. i wonder if God will ever actually show that to me. 2 tim 1:7 says "God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." how do i crack into that power get rid of this timidity? how do i begin to not hide behind these written words but instead be able to speak my words with a confidence and spirit that comes from God? 

these are some of the things i am trying to figure out as i continue to find my true identity. i am thankful for friends who help me discover the answers to these questions. friends like michelle, christina, felicia, my small group, my parents, different friends from church - sara, hilary, kathy. i am so thankful for the women God has put in my life to help me when i fall and help me discover who i am on my own. they help me and are willing to call me out when i need it. 

a safe place

so lately i've been binge watching frazier on netflix. i love this show, it's hilarious to me. niles is one of my favorite characters. the episode i am watching tonight mentions how he would hide under the piano when he was nervous about something, like little league try outs or this divorce he is going through. 

"oh, uh, it's a habit i developed as a child to combat anxiety. there's something about the safe, dark, protective environment that seemed comforting to me." 

every time i see this episode i think about when i was little and i would spend time on the floor in the hall closet. i liked sitting there in the dark and sometimes would even fall asleep in there. i would even sit and hide in my tiny bedroom closet. i am still not sure what was so great about it. i didn't do it out of fear or nervousness. it is just a place i would go and feel safe. even now i enjoy just sitting in my closet, and it's got a lot more room now. 

it makes me wonder where we get these odd habits that make us feel safe. if i need a good cry, instead of crying in the shower i would cry in my closet. many tears were shed in that tiny space. thankfully this new closet hasn't had to be initiated with that responsibility yet, although there have been plenty of times already where i still just sit there in the middle of the closet. even at 25 it is still a safe place for me. 

but why do i choose to cry in my closet alone and hidden with a false sense of security, when i could cry in my closet with God and have a real security around me. it has been a struggle for me more and more lately to run to God instead of hide; to share my struggles and fears and anxieties with Him instead of thinking i have this under control, when i am really barely holding it together. 

pretty much the whole month of july i have been feeling like death as i fought mono and am slowly getting back to normal. many tears were shed for no reason. eventually i was even able to tell my mom i wanted her to come visit me. (how pathetic is it that it took me a few weeks to finally verbalize that i needed and wanted my mommy, i didn't have the guts to say it from the beginning.) it is hard for me to admit feelings, even to my parents when i am sick and want them to take care of me still. I have learned i apparently do not know how to be sick on my own, but that's a whole other story. 

it is like i didn't think anyone would open the door and find me sitting on the floor. but inevitably that door would open to either mom or dad standing there saying i needed to get out of the closet. even though i still like just hanging out in my closet, i know it's not the safe place i think it is. it does me no good to cry in a closet alone, just like it does niles no good to sit under a piano instead of facing our problems head on. it is time for me to metaphorically step out of my closet and ask God to help me face my fears and my problems; to give me strength to verbalize my feelings so others can help me out. i can't stay sitting in there forever.

it's been a while

holy wowza it's been quite a long time since i've been in this neck of the woods. life has been kinda crazy around here.

in january i moved into my own apartment. it's very slowly feeling like my own place, but other times it still feels like an extended house-sitting session. i really like having my own place though, and love having jeanette over on monday nights to watch the bachelorette with me. i also got rid of my facebook account around my birthday as well. crazy to thing that's part of how i haven't been around here in a while.

in february i started working at my new job. i am still not used to getting up so early, but thankfully God put me near some places to easily get coffee. but i also really like getting off work early, so it's worth it. i love this job though. (around mid-february i had a really bad week, but that friday was good at work when i got to hear a super brand new baby cry - nothing can really beat that sweet sound)

march was fairly uneventful, just getting used to this new life.

april is when i started a second new job. it's supposed to be every other weekend, and maybe by july it will actually work out that way. so i've been working like a fool. it's great for trying to get things paid off, but hard for any form of social life.

may was an exciting month. my big brother officially graduated from ku! i'm extremely proud of him for it. i don't even complain to him about the fact that my shoulder is STILL nasty from the sunburn i got that day. i also did the dam to dam 5k in des moines with my aunt and cousins. it wasn't a great time, 45:56, but i don't think it's really all that bad considering i had done NO training what so ever for it. every year i keep saying that i will get back into running, and every year it doesn't work out for me. what is something you do to get motivated for it and stay motivated?

in the few months since i've moved out, i feel like my relationship has had big ups and downs already. at first, i think i was trying to do too much of life on my own, and i think that is one thing that contributed to my really bad freak out week in february. for a while i was having doubts about if it was the right move, about if i was supposed to stay in the northland. recently, i feel like our relationship has been going up again. i have been trying to get back into praying daily and reading my Bible daily. some days are still hard to do it, but i need to work on making it a priority. i recently emailed my pastors about getting baptized again. the next scheduled baptisms from sunday morning church is july 19, or july 26 if i go with my saturday night church. or they said we could try to do it sometime earlier. it's been a big decision for me, and i am excited to see how it helps me.

also recently, like within the past week, i have been trying to figure out how to pray for my relationship with my future husband. it's hard to pray for someone who you don't know at all though. how do you pray for your future husband when you have no idea who he is? how do you know what to pray for specifically, and how to encourage him, when you don't know what is going on in his life?