a safe place

so lately i've been binge watching frazier on netflix. i love this show, it's hilarious to me. niles is one of my favorite characters. the episode i am watching tonight mentions how he would hide under the piano when he was nervous about something, like little league try outs or this divorce he is going through. 

"oh, uh, it's a habit i developed as a child to combat anxiety. there's something about the safe, dark, protective environment that seemed comforting to me." 

every time i see this episode i think about when i was little and i would spend time on the floor in the hall closet. i liked sitting there in the dark and sometimes would even fall asleep in there. i would even sit and hide in my tiny bedroom closet. i am still not sure what was so great about it. i didn't do it out of fear or nervousness. it is just a place i would go and feel safe. even now i enjoy just sitting in my closet, and it's got a lot more room now. 

it makes me wonder where we get these odd habits that make us feel safe. if i need a good cry, instead of crying in the shower i would cry in my closet. many tears were shed in that tiny space. thankfully this new closet hasn't had to be initiated with that responsibility yet, although there have been plenty of times already where i still just sit there in the middle of the closet. even at 25 it is still a safe place for me. 

but why do i choose to cry in my closet alone and hidden with a false sense of security, when i could cry in my closet with God and have a real security around me. it has been a struggle for me more and more lately to run to God instead of hide; to share my struggles and fears and anxieties with Him instead of thinking i have this under control, when i am really barely holding it together. 

pretty much the whole month of july i have been feeling like death as i fought mono and am slowly getting back to normal. many tears were shed for no reason. eventually i was even able to tell my mom i wanted her to come visit me. (how pathetic is it that it took me a few weeks to finally verbalize that i needed and wanted my mommy, i didn't have the guts to say it from the beginning.) it is hard for me to admit feelings, even to my parents when i am sick and want them to take care of me still. I have learned i apparently do not know how to be sick on my own, but that's a whole other story. 

it is like i didn't think anyone would open the door and find me sitting on the floor. but inevitably that door would open to either mom or dad standing there saying i needed to get out of the closet. even though i still like just hanging out in my closet, i know it's not the safe place i think it is. it does me no good to cry in a closet alone, just like it does niles no good to sit under a piano instead of facing our problems head on. it is time for me to metaphorically step out of my closet and ask God to help me face my fears and my problems; to give me strength to verbalize my feelings so others can help me out. i can't stay sitting in there forever.

it's been a while

holy wowza it's been quite a long time since i've been in this neck of the woods. life has been kinda crazy around here.

in january i moved into my own apartment. it's very slowly feeling like my own place, but other times it still feels like an extended house-sitting session. i really like having my own place though, and love having jeanette over on monday nights to watch the bachelorette with me. i also got rid of my facebook account around my birthday as well. crazy to thing that's part of how i haven't been around here in a while.

in february i started working at my new job. i am still not used to getting up so early, but thankfully God put me near some places to easily get coffee. but i also really like getting off work early, so it's worth it. i love this job though. (around mid-february i had a really bad week, but that friday was good at work when i got to hear a super brand new baby cry - nothing can really beat that sweet sound)

march was fairly uneventful, just getting used to this new life.

april is when i started a second new job. it's supposed to be every other weekend, and maybe by july it will actually work out that way. so i've been working like a fool. it's great for trying to get things paid off, but hard for any form of social life.

may was an exciting month. my big brother officially graduated from ku! i'm extremely proud of him for it. i don't even complain to him about the fact that my shoulder is STILL nasty from the sunburn i got that day. i also did the dam to dam 5k in des moines with my aunt and cousins. it wasn't a great time, 45:56, but i don't think it's really all that bad considering i had done NO training what so ever for it. every year i keep saying that i will get back into running, and every year it doesn't work out for me. what is something you do to get motivated for it and stay motivated?

in the few months since i've moved out, i feel like my relationship has had big ups and downs already. at first, i think i was trying to do too much of life on my own, and i think that is one thing that contributed to my really bad freak out week in february. for a while i was having doubts about if it was the right move, about if i was supposed to stay in the northland. recently, i feel like our relationship has been going up again. i have been trying to get back into praying daily and reading my Bible daily. some days are still hard to do it, but i need to work on making it a priority. i recently emailed my pastors about getting baptized again. the next scheduled baptisms from sunday morning church is july 19, or july 26 if i go with my saturday night church. or they said we could try to do it sometime earlier. it's been a big decision for me, and i am excited to see how it helps me.

also recently, like within the past week, i have been trying to figure out how to pray for my relationship with my future husband. it's hard to pray for someone who you don't know at all though. how do you pray for your future husband when you have no idea who he is? how do you know what to pray for specifically, and how to encourage him, when you don't know what is going on in his life?

year 25

instead of setting my goal/resolutions/word on new years day, i wait a week and start at my birthday instead. i figure this way i have a week to game plan, which is something this girl needs.

so, let's start with my word for my 25th year: confidence. all my life, i have had this bad habit of comparing myself to others which has given me this horribly low confidence level. thankfully, i have great friends who have been encouraging me with this. to do this, i am going to limit my time on social media, including things such as facebook, instagram, pinterest, and twitter. the last two i am hardly on, so that won't be a problem. the first two are a lot harder. at least for this birthday week, i will not be on facebook. we will see if this even leads to getting rid of them all together, minus instagram. 

i have also set some goals to achieve during this 25th year. 

1. read more: since i am now done with school, i actually have time to read for fun. if you didn't already know, i hated reading until i was 19, when my niece was born and i had to fill a 13 hour car ride to go see her. but over the past few years, i have really learned to enjoy it. so i want to expand my reading through the next year. 

this is the book i started last night 

2. cook more: i have always liked being in the kitchen and cooking. i like cooking more than baking, since there are less trips into the kitchen to put things in and out of the oven. i need to work on my health and fitness, and this will help rather than eating out as much. also, with me moving out on my own soon, i won't be able to live if i eat out all the time. i am pretty confident in the kitchen (it's like the one thing i am actually confident in) and i want to become better and more versatile in the kitchen. (i can keep the boy happy that way) i will also be drinking more water and less soda if i cook instead. 

3. walk more/get a workout routine: this goes with working on my health and fitness also. my mom got me a fit bit for christmas and my daily goal is 5,000 steps a day. depending on the day, i can reach that goal, but other days i am way off. i want to get back into running also. when i move, i will actually have sidewalks to run on, which will be a nice change. i will also be trying to work to incorporate weight lifting and stretching into my routine. the goal is that along with this i will start to lose some weight. 

4. get connected at desperation: this is the saturday night church that i started going to in the summer. i fully intend to continue going there, and so i need to get more connected there. i know very few people there right now, and i am determined for that to change. there is a group that meets on tuesday nights that people my age. i need to see what time it is at and hopefully i can start attending that as well. 

this is my fantastic small group from restore

if you could help keep me accountable on these, that would be great! 

time for transition

i can't believe it's new years eve already! this year has seemed to fly by, and brought a lot of change and growth with it. at the start of the year, i decided to have a word i was going to focus on this year. the word was content. i'll be honest, i struggled with that a lot still. but i feel like it helped me this year as well. yes, there were still times i let my circumstances get the better of me, but i tried to be aware of when that happened and change my mindset as quickly as possible. and i feel like that has helped me as i end this year with transition. 

in november, i finally finished classes. in may, i will be walking at graduation with an associates degree for pharmacy technician. i passed my certification test in november as well, and am currently in the process of looking for a new job at a hospital in the kansas city area. i love my people at cvs, but i am ready for something new. 

i also recently got approved for an apartment in the northland, so january 17 i will be moving out of my parents house, finally. i told my mom this was going to be a good birthday present. we have talked a lot recently about how i just need to finally take this step and move out. this is a spacious apartment for a pretty reasonable price in the area, so i took the step and applied. i can't wait to take this next step and move out. i am a little anxious about it, and i have a lot to do in just over 2 weeks. 

i just got back from a family trip to california. my aunt and uncle live north of the bay, and my brother and his family live on the south side. i loved getting to see all of them again. i loved playing tourist around san fransisco. i was super excited when we got to see the full house house. we visited stanford's campus and then later got to have a private tour of  cal's campus, where my uncle works. my favorite part was the views from golden gate and just getting to spend time with the family. i was able to cross a few more things off my bucket list. still have a lot of international traveling on there i want to do. 

this year, i also started going to a saturday night church along with my sunday morning church. i started going there over the summer, when i was being scheduled on sunday mornings a lot. it is a great option, and i have really enjoyed going there. now that i'm not in classes any more, i am hoping i can start doing more there and getting more connected. the people i have met there have been so sweet and generous. i can't wait to see what 2015 has in store for desperation. 

it's crazy to think tomorrow is a new year. in 8 days i turn 25, and i've already been going through a quarter life crisis. i haven't taken time to sit down and set my goals for my 25th year of life, or to focus on what i am going to work on for the year. I guess i have 8 days to figure it out. 

i hope everyone has a safe night and has had a great 2014. 

christmas joy and stress

yesterday, i finally got to see the kansas city ballet's performance of the nutcracker. merry christmas and happy birthday to me.

 it has been on my list forever, and my friend said he would go with me. i was beyond excited for it, and it was well worth the money. growing up i always asked my parents if i could do dance, but i played soccer and by the time i came around we were only allowed one activity at a time. soccer won for me. my cousins danced and i loved when I got to go to iowa and watch them with my grandparents. i still wish i could do like an adult beginners class somewhere, but i still just don't have the time for it. 

after the performance, brandon gave me a present. (i am never good at buying christmas presents, so i took the easy route and made him cookies) he remembered i said a lot of my bucket list is traveling around the world, so he was super sweet and got me a passport cover, and now i just need to finally get a passport and start traveling. 

the holidays are always stressful for me. i am better at getting people presents through out the year, but there is so much emphasis on getting gifts for people during this time. then i feel bad when people get me sweet gifts, but i have nothing to give them. thankfully my friends and family are awesome and are  okay with gifts whenever. this year it's been harder for me since i will actually get to see my niece and nephew, but i haven't been able to get them anything to open when we are out there. and that's the part that is mostly stressing me out. sadly, at 5 and 3, i am not sure how well they understand the importance of being with family more than getting gifts. 

for now, i will continue to try and not let it get to me, and hopefully i can just buy them a gift they want while i am out there. not getting to see them often doesn't make any of this any easier for me. 

so holidays stress anyone else out as much as they do for me?