torn heart

lately i've felt like my heart has been torn between different job/career choices. i'm currently working as a pharmacy technician and going to school to get an associates degree for it. but lately i have toyed with the idea of nursing. it's always been my plan b, and i've been wondering if i need to make it my plan a. i've thought about the idea of nursing before, it's just always been in the back of my mind. but when i actually look at what is required, i wonder if i'm cut out for it. i wonder if i'm truly capable of doing all of this without being a miserable failure.

a while ago, my church had announced they wanted to start a campus in platte city. i've thought this was a great idea (although i'll have to figure out my sunday starbucks routine) and i'm super excited for it to actually happen. right now, we are waiting for someone to step up as pastor before it can go any further. but i have thought about applying for the kids' city director whenever we get to that point. i talked with my current kids' city director about it today, and she was so encouraging for it. (actually about both of these choices) the steps to take for now would be find someone for me to apprentice as service coordinator, and i would become like an intern for lindsey. 

i've been in conflict for a while now about these choices. i have a heart for kiddo's, and think i could do good at kids' city director. i know it would be a lot of work, but i think if i had the awesome leadership of lindsey, erica, and erica, the current kids' city directors for our 3 campuses, i could do it.  and i love being able to help people, and i feel like if i don't let doubt creep in, i could do the work and get through it. i have friends going to nursing school, and i see how hard they work, but they all say it's worth it. 

i know i still need to have conversations with other people, and definitely with God before i make any decisions. prayers and conversations are very welcome!

happy jackie robinson day!

as all of you may or may not know, i love  baseball. easily my favorite sport to watch. it's such a fun game, it's a game i understand, and it's a great excuse to spend time with friends and family in the sunny, humid, kansas city summer weather. although somehow, until yesterday, i never realized that april 15 was jackie robinson day, since april 15, 1947 was his debut in the major leagues with the brooklyn dodgers. where have i been?! so being the cheese-ball person that i am, i'm currently watching 42, which is a great movie anyways. i feel like there's not really a lot i can say about jackie robinson that hasn't already been said.

1945 kc monarchs team. guess which one is jackie 

a lot of my summer memories take place at kauffman stadium, watching the kansas city royals play ball. i always get excited to even think about baseball games. even at small group on sunday, some of us girls were talking about how we should make a small group trip to some baseballs games, even catch a buck night or two (and get fat off of hotdogs for a buck each)

finally got a holland jersey thanks to my daddy. and no personalizing fee!

kc also has a triple a team, the t-bones. those games are a blast because they are smaller, so you can sit closer to the action. they have a field behind outfield where you can sit and the little kids can run around.

well, i hope you all continue to have a great jackie robinson day!

fearfully and wonderfully made

so there is this great organization out there called wonderfullymade and they have a great mission of helping young and teenage women find and know their value in God. i actually found out about them a few years ago when i got a follower request on twitter. i have really enjoyed following them over the years, whether on facebook, instagram, twitter, or their website and blog.

so about a week or so ago on instagram they started this "campaign" with the tag #wonderfullymadeshe and they are asking women to share their favorite "selfie" and tell what it means to be fearfully and wonderfully made. looking through the pictures of other women and seeing what they had to say is such an encouragement. i decided tonight to do it myself. and i can expand on it a bit here.

my original description says, "Being Fearfully and Wonderfully Made means who cares how weird and awkward I am, embrace it, because God made me that way, and He doesn't make mistakes. It's means ignoring social standards and being myself. It's encouraging others while staying confident in who I am in God. #wonderfullymadeshe@madewonderfully"

in case it wasn't obvious already, i'm extremely socially awkward, i laugh when people would think it's inappropriate, i forget to have a filter at times and make people uncomfortable with my conversation. i've always been this way and it just seems to get worse as i get older. i'm an introvert at heart, which i am pretty sure is where all of this stems from. i get really uncomfortable around new people so the awkwardness just comes out even more. plus, i'm not good at small talk, which leads to even more awkwardness with me. it's great! but i love being awkward. it's who i am. i learned a long time ago to embrace it, and i just view it now as a great quirk of mine, rather than something that holds me back.

the ignoring social standards is hard to do in america, because they are every where. but i try really hard to ignore what media views as pretty, and focus on what God says is beautiful. my friends had a baby shower sunday, and they asked that instead of cards, we bring a favorite childhood book and a note for baby. well, my favorite childhood book is you are special by max lucado. i knew i had to get it for baby. i tried really hard to think of what type of note do i write to go along with this book, and i couldn't think of anything. the book has a great message about not caring what those around you think, but caring about what your maker thinks of you. even now, as a 24 year old female, i still read that book fairly regularly (like every few months) and remind myself.

encouraging people comes easy to me. i like being able to help people reach their goals, even if it's just a little note of encouragement here and there. i find great joy in it. not because i may get a "thank you" when they reach their goal, but just to see them reach it, and knowing the whole time they were able to. but i still need my own encouragers. my best friend felicia is one of those encouragers. whenever i am down, she is always there to lift me back up. she helps me see myself through God's eyes when i have forgotten how. i know i can go to her for anything and everything, and thankfully she knows she can do the same with me. i have no idea where i would be if she wasn't around to encourage me.

so that is more of what being fearfully and wonderfully made means to me. what does it mean to you?

dear daddy

if you've known me for any amount of time, you know i am a huge daddy's girl. he's my hero, and today is his birthday!!! (in case you didn't know, i am also a huge lover of celebrating birthdays)

so where do i begin when talking about my dad? he's shown me what love is, not just to my family and to "easy" people, but also to those "difficult" people who all have in our lives. he's given me high standards for what i want in a man. he's a great leader, he's shared with me his love for God, of music, sports, and everything KU. he encourages me to go after my dreams, no matter what, and to always make myself a better person. we can have talks that go from dave my dad, to dave the health care professional (which can be awkward at times). he's taught me to have an open, and to help those in need. i enjoy when we get to talk medicine, and my mom says it's like listening to another language.

my daddy values family. he always made sure to come to every soccer game, basketball game, track meet, band concert, choir concert, and play that i was in or helped with.

us before sr prom

along with my "adopted" sister christina

he even got to "hand" me my diploma at graduation

he took care of his little 1 month old granddaughter (who is almost 5!)

and even would get on the floor and play with her.

he still visits his parents pretty regularly

and has deep conversations with his grandson. 

he's still a big kid at heart in my mind. 

he even spent one thanksgiving play risk with us (my first time playing)

he loves these grandkids.

it felt like a lot of my childhood was spent in lawrence at KU games, or at kauffman stadium watching the royals play. and he's still my game day buddy. every now and then we even catch a chiefs game. he even drives to iowa with me so i can run the dam to dam 5k in des moines with my aunt. 

we love us a good royals game

he's shared with us kids his love for music. every week he still gets the opportunity to do what he loves. 

at platte city's lighting ceremony around thanksgiving, playing in a little brass group

basically, i just have the best dad i could ever ask for. i'm so thankful that he's my dad. 

never leave me alone with my thoughts

so quite possibly one of the worst parts about watching someone else's animals is the complete lack of human contact. and remember, this is coming from a introvert who thoroughly enjoys time alone most times. my parents friends are out of town, so i'm watching their animals. it's been a challenge already at times, but we are halfway through. 

but here is something about me most people don't seem to know...i absolutely hate being alone when it's not my choice. plus, most of the time i feel like i don't really fit in, which i'm sure is somehow also related to the low self esteem i actually have. so all of this combined is a VERY bad thing. 

so i wind up spending a good chunk of my animal watching time alone, in someone else's house, basically hating my life, which leads to crying, which I also hate doing. i try talking to people, to see if anyone wants to even just get dinner as an excuse to leave, but most people are either busy or too far away. 

on another note, i'm thinking i need to let go of some "friendships". not sure of a good way to do that besides just deleting them from everything. 

basically, I could just really use some prayers for some strength and not letting my thoughts get to me.