never leave me alone with my thoughts

so quite possibly one of the worst parts about watching someone else's animals is the complete lack of human contact. and remember, this is coming from a introvert who thoroughly enjoys time alone most times. my parents friends are out of town, so i'm watching their animals. it's been a challenge already at times, but we are halfway through. 

but here is something about me most people don't seem to know...i absolutely hate being alone when it's not my choice. plus, most of the time i feel like i don't really fit in, which i'm sure is somehow also related to the low self esteem i actually have. so all of this combined is a VERY bad thing. 

so i wind up spending a good chunk of my animal watching time alone, in someone else's house, basically hating my life, which leads to crying, which I also hate doing. i try talking to people, to see if anyone wants to even just get dinner as an excuse to leave, but most people are either busy or too far away. 

on another note, i'm thinking i need to let go of some "friendships". not sure of a good way to do that besides just deleting them from everything. 

basically, I could just really use some prayers for some strength and not letting my thoughts get to me. 

resting and trying to not indulge

so, if any one knows me, you know i don't know how to truly rest. i always feel like i need to be busy. or i go to the extreme opposite and veg out. both aren't ideal. so today is my first day off during the week that i've had in a while. it's also a final for my class tonight. so what am i doing with my day today? spending a good chunk of it in the kitchen, and working on my puzzle after this. my puzzle is kicking my butt. whoever made me think a puzzle of starry night was a good idea is cray cray (that person was me.)

so my friend mary over at giving up on perfect shared a recipe on facebook for pizza poppers. they looked delicious, so i felt the need to make them. super tasty. i'm trying my hardest to have self control and not shove them all in my face at once. then last night mom had mentioned needing raisins for the snack she was making for small group tonight, and i had mentioned how i wanted to bake cinnamon oatmeal raisin cookies. so i looked online and found a recipe and have those in the oven right now. they smell so yummy and i can't wait to devour those as well. it really refreshes my spirit to be in the kitchen and making food for myself and for my family/friends. it just makes me so happy and relaxed.

food is a weakness of mine. it has been my entire life so far, and i'm sure it will be until the day i day. when i'm stressed, i eat. when i'm bored, i eat. when i'm happy, i share food with friends. when i'm in need of fellowship, i have lunch or coffee with friends. it's as if more often than not, i don't listen to if my body is full or hungry, i just eat. i started a new devo last night called made to crave: 21 day challenge. the first day kinda hit me hard. not in a judgmental, how-could-you-be-like-this-? kind of way. but more in the you're-not-alone, i-know-what-you're-going-through kind of way. i've wanted to read the book for a while, and still want to. but i'm excited to see where this devo takes me, and see if it can help me overcome this fight with food. i know it's not going to be an over night thing, and hopefully 21 days is a good start for this. if anyone wants to go on this journey with me, i would love the company. i will try to keep this updated with how it goes.

now the real question. run or work on my puzzle?

remember to pray

lately i've been struggling in my relationship with God.  like, a lot. and it's been heavy on my heart, but i haven't figured out exactly how to get back on track. my church has been reading through the gospels in 30 days. i should be finished with day 18 tonight. instead i still need to start day 13 (which i can't guarantee will even happen tonight). i can't tell you the last time i've said a genuine, not five-second-in-the-moment prayer. i haven't even been consistent with journaling, either on here or on paper.  

the series we are going through at church is called making room for life. so far the topics have been making room for God, making room for people, and making room for mission. i guess i didn't realize how big of a struggle this has been for me until this series. i knew i wasn't the best at making time for God. but it hasn't been eating at me until recently. i try to be better at making room for people, which is hard since i'm an introvert. making room for mission has always been a hard one, partly because i'm not totally sure how to do it. (i feel like none of that made sense)

so recently i asked some of my friends if they have ever forgotten how to pray, or just at a point where you don't know what to say. thankfully, they let me know i was not alone in this struggle. some told me things they do at those points in life. one mentioned that those times are when they need God/prayer the most, and they just start talking to God again. another friend said "i believe that no one forgets how, that's how the enemy wins is when we think we forget. praying is simply bringing your requests to God and being in conversation/communion with Him...telling Him what's on our hearts is praying"

so this is my plan. 

1. pick up the gospel reading plan from where i'm at, and just restart from there. not be discouraged that i'm basically a week behind everyone at church.

2. start writing out my prayers again. just go until i feel like i'm done. don't limit myself

3. set a reminder in the evening to double check that i've done these things for that day. 

any other suggestions? do you struggle with this as well?

2014:contentment

so i have seen a lot of people choosing a word for the year. i've never been into resolution making, and as i was having coffee with a sweet friend (by the way, she's got a great blog) on wednesday, a good start to my birthday, i decided my word for 2014, and my 24th year of life, will be....contentment. i've had lots of ups and downs with my life, and really who hasn't?

so for the next 363 days (posting late, like always haha), i will choose contentment. i will work at not comparing myself to others.  i know life will get in the way sometimes. i know there will still be ups and downs. i will think about philippians 4.11, where paul talks about being "content in whatever circumstances".  when life gets busy, or i get overwhelmed, i will continue to remember phil 4.6, and give it all to God.

it's already been hard, and it's only been a few days. it's a good things each day is a new start. it's a great thing that God gives many second chances, no matter how many times i screw up.

let 2014 be a year of contentment.

see ya later 2013

well, it's 4 days into the new year, and i am just now getting to reviewing 2013 and setting goals for 2014. if you know me personally, you know i don't do new years resolutions, and basically don't even do goals either. i love the idea of a fresh start, and with my birthday so close to the new year, i basically get a week before my next "clean slate".

so 2013 felt like a whirl wind of a year. i started a new job, which i still love even though it overwhelms me at times, and i learned working 2 jobs and going to school will physically make me sick. (thankful for doctors and otc solutions) i got to see my best friend again, and even got to stand with her as she got married. my friends had babies that i got to love on and cuddle. i learned other friends are expecting new bundles of joy soon. i got to run three 5ks again. i took a big jump and led a small group at church. took another big jump with my friend, and decided to sponsor a girl from columbia through compassion. i made my first "adult purchase" with the help of my mom.

but i also missed camp for the first time in i don't even know how long, which was really hard for me. one friend learned her baby girl has spinal muscular atrophy, and doesn't know how long they will get to spend with her. i had to take a step back and not lead small group anymore. i hurt my ankle again and had to stop running for a while.

so what does 2014 hold in store for me? i'm hoping no injuries this year, and i can continue working on my health. i am planning on a few 5ks this year, not totally sure on a final number yet. i have a goal weight in mind, which will require losing close to 40 pounds. i will invest more time in friends, but not let school or work be pushed to the back burner. i will set reminders to be more consistent with my Bible reading. i will try to be more consistent on here, and have a plan for it, not just random posts.

i have no idea if 2014 will be a better year for me than 2013. i will find that out in 361 days. but for now, i will live in the moment and work towards making myself better.