where my heart is

y'all, i think the longer i have worked in the city, the more i begin to see things wrong with it. i work with a struggling population. a lot of them rely on some form of transportation from someone else, whether it be the public buses, share-a-fare, oats, etc. this turns out to mean that some people wait in the lobby for HOURS as they wait for their rides. sometimes these people have young children with them. other times, it's an elderly person sitting alone as they wait. sadly, it is not uncommon to see people still waiting for their rides when we close at 5.

today it really got to me. to start, there were two adorable little girls waiting in the lobby with their mom for what seemed like all morning. i was amazed at how well behaved they were through all the waiting. then later this afternoon, we had one of the sweetest elderly people come in. they went out into the lobby around the middle of the afternoon, after we called their ride and the diver gave us a time they would be here. i don't know why this one person got to me so much, but they were still there when we left work a couple hours later. it broke my heart today.

for a while after work i was confused as to why this one particular person got to me so much today. but i realized it's because my heart is with our patrons, as i feel it should be. these people come here to get better, and there are times when we have a hard time helping them, and it is so hard for me to tell them we can't help because of things like insurance, or that we don't have what they need in stock. i hate having to be the barer of bad news, to not be able to help the person who needs it.

it's been opening my eyes over the past year of different things that are wrong with the whole health care system in america, and in my own city as well. i hate seeing it, and i wish i knew what to do to make a difference.

the struggle is real, y'all

lately i just haven't felt motivated to really do anything. i haven't written here in months. work has been stressing me out and my anxiety has been getting slightly worse and still isn't under control. i still haven't called to talk to one of the counselors at work about it. i'm scared they will say it's something more. i have felt disconnected from a lot of my friends lately. i hate that i don't get to be with christina and see thea grow up. my parents just got back from visiting my brother in texas and i hate that i don't get to see them ever. (it's been about a year and a half since i last saw them.) i made the mistake of briefly bringing back my facebook page. (deactivated it after writing that sentence.) i feel like my thoughts have been all over the place lately. i just haven't cared about anything lately.

sorry for the randomness, i had to get it out and see if i can form some coherent thoughts for once. apparently not.

the past few months have been crazy. after i got back from georgia for my birthday, i worked for 31 days straight and was basically exhausted all the time. when i finally got my two days off, i pretty much avoided all humanity the whole time. i am still not the best at taking a day of rest and not feeling guilty about it. even this past weekend, i spent about half of saturday just binging on criminal minds and just thought about what i should have been doing instead. but by mid-afternoon, i had a much better weekend.

i think part of why i have been so apathetic and unmotivated lately is truly because i haven't been at church nearly as much as i should be. i work every other weekend, so that leave 2 weekends where i can i go to church. one of those weekends i am in kids' city, so that leave 1 sunday each month when i actually get to go to service. this upcoming sunday we start a new 3 week series, and i will only be able to see the middle week. this has been really wearing on me lately, and i know it's my fault.

• i could quit my va job, and then i would have every weekend off and could go to church weekly. but at the same time, that would be extra money i need every month and wouldn't have any more. i talked to my mom about it recently. i don't want to have to ask my parents for help. she admitted they don't mind it every now and then, but don't want it to be a regular thing. if i quit this second job, it would become a regular thing, which all of us very much do not want.

• i could find a saturday night church to go to. i would feel weird going to a saturday night church, possibly regularly, and not being a member there. even though i don't get to go to sunday morning church as often as i would like, i actually feel connected to these people. my women's group on thursday night feels like a true group of friends, which i honestly haven't felt from a small group in a long time. 

• i could watch the videos of the messages later in the week. for some reason, it's just easier for me to watch netflix. i feel like it's because i can watch it on my tv rather than my computer, and i don't know if i can do that with the site the messages are on. i don't feel like i'm as "trapped" when i watch it on my tv, i can do things around the apartment and still hear what's going on. i feel like if i watch it on my computer, i am stuck in one area to hear/see what is going on. 

i have also been slacking on reading my Bible and praying. like way slacking. and i have no one but myself to blame for that. i have never known how people are just like "i feel like reading this book right now". i need a guide/devotional/focus. know of any good devotionals for a girl to try?

2016 goals

i know, i know, i'm crazy late on posting these up on here. i meant to do this around my birthday, that's usually when i put focus on my goals/words, but i was too distracted by my sweet little snuggle-bug of a goddaughter/niece. 

can you blame me for being distracted?

like most people, i try to have a word and a few goals that i focus on for the year. it only started a few years back, but it's been a good thing to do and focus on a few things to improve on at a time. this year, i couldn't pick just one word, i had two that seem to be important this year.

1. balance

if you know me, you know i have a crazy hard time saying no to things, and always wind up spreading myself way thin. that is my current situation right now, next day off is feb 13. i am usually always willing to pick up extra shifts, whether it be an evening shift inpatient, or an extra weekend shift at the other job. it isn't until long after that i realize it was a bad mistake and i regret it. i spend so much focus and energy on work that everything else falls to the back burner. i need to not be as willing to say yes to work, and more willing to spend that time developing deeper, more real relationships with my friends and family instead. 

i need to keep an extra careful eye on my schedule, i need to block out time for God, for myself, and for my friends. i need to learn how to say "no" and not feel bad about it when i have no excuse. i need to make myself a priority.

2. save money to move

even though i just resigned my lease, i keep wondering to kansas city is where i am meant to be. part of my heart is in texas, part of my heart is in georgia, and a lot of my heart is in kansas city. kansas city is the only place i know as a home, i suffer from wanderlust, and i am wondering if taking the plunge and moving halfway across the country is the right move. i have a year to pray about it, think about it, and save up. i have looked at the process for getting registered with the board of pharmacy in a few states, looked at a few hospitals i could potentially work at, looked at apartment prices. can't wait for an update on this one. 

3. don't be stupid

i have spent many nights over the years talking with felicia and christina about this one. i have a bad habit of comparing myself to people, especially those dear best friends of mine. most of my friends are married, and when i compare i feel like i'm missing out on something, even though i know in my head that i am not. when that happens, my dumb brain starts to get too eager in looking for a boyfriend. and inevitably i wind up getting hurt over something that shouldn't bother me at all. felicia put it a great way, "it's good to be eager but shift that into other areas of you life. like with God. that's how i'm dealing with delighting myself in the Lord. it's so hard to not keep myself busy in other areas of my life but i have to refocus it on Him." it was definitely a slap in the face that i needed. as my friend would say, it was one of those 2x4 moments. this year i will try to not compare myself, but that's way easier said than done, and i will work on focusing my attention on God rather than guys. i need to be cautious. i need to be patient. 

an additional goal is to possibly go back to school this summer and start pre-reqs for pharmacy school.

birthday in georgia

y'all, today was one of the hardest goodbye's for me to do. i am so grateful i got to spend the past few days with my best friend christina and her sweet little family. in december she had a baby and i got to spend the past weekend cuddling her and helping them out however i could. i loved getting to love on sweet baby thea, and miss her so much already.

christina and i have been best friends since we met in 2000, aka 5th grade. no way i could have asked for a better friend than her. she has put up with a lot of my craziness, and it wasn't always a good crazy, and has loved me through it all. i couldn't imagine my life without her, and it's crazy for me to think about how she's been married for a year and a half(ish) and now has a one month old baby. i can't believe it!  we used to get to spend every birthday together, and then she had to go and join the marines, so that hasn't been able to happen lately. we actually hadn't seen each other in like 4 years before this weekend. it was hard on me to not see her at all during her pregnancy, and they had a courthouse wedding so basically no one got to go down for that. but i knew, even before she told me she was pregnant, that i wanted to spend my birthday with her again. it had been way too long! so in the summer i bought tickets to georgia and spend time with her. such a great decision.

i flew down the day before my birthday, and i'm pretty sure delta was going to try to keep me in atlanta forever. the countdown to see christina was unbearable, and even worse in atlanta when i was so close, yet still so far. i was so excited to give her a huge hug and finally meet thea. i've called her my niece the whole pregnancy, and christina also asked me to be her godmother, so i'm sure you can imagine how excited i was to hold her. we stopped by petco and saw her husband on the way to the house. (i feel like i can't emphasize enough how much i have missed these people.) i couldn't wait to get to the house and hold thea for hours on end (except for feeding time) and give them everything i had bought for her and the blanket my mom made for her. (alice blankets are kind of a must have among family and best friends here)

the next day was MY BIRTHDAY!!! if you don't know me, i'm kind of obnoxious when it's my birthday. (birthday buddies include elvis presley, stephen hawking, and david bowie) christina and i had a lazy morning of cuddling my baby girl and just hanging out while chris and his dad were at work. i told christina long before hand that i was wanting to get a new tattoo while i was down there. so we spent the afternoon at the tattoo shop and they were fantastic. extremely nice people and john drew up a great design and it turned out better than i imagined. if you are ever in the evans/grovetown/augusta area and looking for a tattoo, i recommend going there. every year since i was 14 i have been going to applebee's for my birthday. christina and chris indulged me, so we went there for dinner, and thankfully thea slept through the whole thing. she had spent a lot of time out of the house and she was getting tired and cranky right before then. i can't really blame her though. 

i wanted an anchor for multiple reasons. mostly for my grandpa who was in the navy and is my hero. (him and dad are the two people i am most scared of disappointing) i got my last name on it because no matter what happens in my life, i will always be a holland.

saturday christina, thea, and i explored the mall while daddy worked. (also, if you live in that area and need a dog trainer, chris is your man) that afternoon, all the georgians let me watch the chiefs game, and shared in my joy when they won. chris's dad made homemade ricotta cheese and stuffed shells for dinner, it was delicious. he was also super sweet and bought me a little birthday cake along with birthday cake flavored ice cream for dessert, complete with a candle and singing the birthday song to me as well. definitely made this girl feel special and loved. we ended the night with playing cards against humanity. so much fun!

sunday was another great day. my old small group leader and her family live just a few minutes away from chris and christina, and i was so fortunate to get to go to church with them sunday morning, and finally meet her son, who is a year and a half old. i am so glad i was able to still go to church, and spend quality time with them. they moved to georgia for her husband's residency, and we are hoping they come back to kansas city for the 4 years after that. their family is from mid-missouri, so they want to be back closer to home. and i just want them back in kansas city. we got lunch after church and enjoyed getting to catch up with them a bit more. it made my heart so happy to see them as well. after they dropped me off back at the house, we pretty much just hung out the rest of the day. sunday was also thea's official one month birthday, so we got to take some pictures for that. they didn't turn out quite as good as i had hoped, but i am so glad i got to do that for them. 

thea and daddy. she wasn't having it the first time around

i love these two with mommy holding her hand, and daddy holding her. too bad she still wasn't happy

mommy cuddles

sometimes you just need grandpa

on the blanket my mommy made for her

today was the hard day. started with thea's one month check up, then grabbing lunch with daddy. after lunch we made the quick journey into south carolina for me to meet their friend kala. i was excited to meet her. goodbye time came way too fast. it was crazy hard to say goodbye to christina, which doesn't surprise me at all. she's been the closest thing to a sister i have ever had, and the weekend together just wasn't enough. when i landed in atlanta, i was sitting in my seat trying not to bawl, and as i type this now, i'm trying not to bawl. and i am sure when i get to kc, i'll stop trying and give in to the tears. saying goodbye to her is almost as hard as saying goodbye to ethan and his family. both are crazy hard for me. it was one of the best birthday weekends i could have asked for, and i am already trying to plan my next trip down here. 

happy 2016

another crazy year has come and gone, and this one was a doozy. in a nutshell, i moved out of platte city, got two new jobs at two different hospitals, got fantastically sick, saw some dear friends get married, moved to a new building/position at one hospital, got a new niece, and did a lot of growing and changing. it's always interesting to sit down and think about everything that happened in the last year, and contemplate what will come in the next year.

some of my friendships fell apart over the last year, some grew stronger, while others still didn't make it through the year at all. i have no doubt that all of these things happened for a specific reason, and i am so thankful for them, whether i realize why it happened or not. when i think about it, i try to find something i can learn from all of those people.

moving out was a big thing for me. the 17 is actually my move in anniversary. it was a big step, but i have to admit, it is so great to come home to my own place. it's hard for me to not be a hermit, and i try very hard to make sure i'm not a 100% hermit. the introvert in me finds it so much easier to sit at home with netflix or a book and just curl up on the couch. but that's not where friendships and life happen, so i try to force myself to go out.

i have been loving my positions at the hospitals. february is my anniversary at one, and april is my anniversary at the other. they have been great opportunities. one hospital is the same one my dad works at, and i try to make sure i do a good job, not just because i take pride in my job, but because i want to make sure my dad is proud of me as well. (i am even thinking about signing up for some classes and trying to get in to pharmacy school, but at the same time i am scared of letting him down) in october we opened up a new pharmacy for an ambulatory building (outpatient clinics and some outpatient surgeries as well) it's going extremely slow right now, but we are starting to pick up as more clinics open. i am ready for the whole thing to be open though.

july i felt like i had the plague, turned out it was just mono. i'm not good at being sick, i had an impossible time accepting the face that i was tired for no reason. i already knew i wasn't good at being sick, i learned i'm even worse at being sick when i'm on my own. i felt like death for a month, but thankfully i eventually got over it. took forever to even get diagnosed correctly.

this seemed to be the fall of weddings this year. some sweet friends from church got married in august, and i got to go with a great guy friend and have a blast just hanging out and catching up with other people who go to different services. then in november my life long friend got married and i got to help photograph it. it was a great opportunity and i felt very privileged to get to be a part of her special day and help her get ready. i'll have a sneak peak of that one up later.

three weeks ago my best friend gave birth to sweet baby girl, and i cannot wait to see them next week and cuddle her for a few days. i was so excited to go to work and tell them i had a new niece. the wait to see them has been ever worse since she was born. i am so excited to get her in my arms. between her and nash (the son of my good friend from church) i have some cute amazing babies in my life right now. thea's birth is possibly the best way to leave 2015 and will for sure be the best way to spend my birthday. only one thing would be better: spending my birthday with my blood niece and nephew.

leading a double-life

at church, we have been going through a book called the story. it's the major stories of the Bible in chronological order. today the preacher talked about how the Israelites got ready for the battle of Jericho. he talked about how God bypassed the previous generation because of their disobedience, how the new generation had to turn 100% to God and show it by all the men getting circumcised before they went to fight Jericho. he mentioned that God is always for us and always calling us to Him, we need to make sure we don't make Him bypass us because of our disobedience and not answering Him. 

it got me feeling like i have not been fully committed to God in all aspects of my life. i feel like i don't shine the light of God when i am at work. i let things make me angry when it is so small in the grand scheme of things. i am not the best steward of my time or money lately. i compare myself to others and get jealous of what they have instead of appreciating what i do have. i haven't been regular in my Bible reading or prayer life.

i keep knowing that i need to work on these issues, i keep acknowledging that i have been leading a "double-life". i play christian on sundays, with certain people and places, but i feel like i play world during the week at work or with other people. 

i can't keep saying i need to work on it.  i am fully aware of that. i need to talk with someone and become more accountable for these actions. i need to make a daily checklist and keep a list of the things God has given me, rather than focus on what my friends have. i need to block out time in my schedule for Bible reading and prayer life. i need to treat it like any other appointment until it is a regular part of my daily routine. i need help truly becoming who God made me to be, but for that to happen i need to be fully, 100% committed to God. i need to be aware of my actions and thoughts. i will need help with this. i will need people checking with me to make sure i am keeping up. i will need people to be aware enough to call me out, which means i will need to spend enough time and open up with people so they can see it. 

i am asking for help. i am asking for my friends near and far to support me, call me out, whatever it takes to keep me accountable. please help me. 

discovering who i am

friday night my friend michelle and i went to em chamas to watch game 3 of the world series. sadly, our kansas city royals couldn't pull out a win that night, but so glad they got the w saturday night! one more win and we are the champions! cue the queen song. 

michelle and i had some good conversation in between innings, and she made the comment that she appreciates that i am finding my own identity and figuring out who i am, and i am not relying on her to tell me what my identity is. it got me thinking about how true that statement has been lately. i used to be that person who relied on those around me to provide my identity to me. it has taken a lot of growth and lots of struggles and tears as i continue to figure out who i really am. when i relied on others, I was lost when something drastic happened. getting my own apartment and leaving platte city has really helped me in this process, it has helped me truly learn to rely on myself to survive and not to hide behind my parents or brothers. there are still parts where i struggle with this, and i know it will be a struggle until i figure out how to stop comparing myself with friends and other people and be content and confident in who i am, who God has created me to be. last week at church, pastor bil had even made a list of some of the person God has created me to be.

- a child of God (1 john 3:1-3)

- fearfully and wonderfully made (psalm 139:13-16)

- created on purpose, for a purpose (jeremiah 1:5)

- a masterpiece (eph 2:10)

- intended for good works (phil 1:6)

- powerful (eph 1:19-20)

- an ambassador of hope (2 cor 5:18-21)

- a soldier in God's army (eph 6:10-19)

- an overcomer (rom 8:31-37)

- victorious! ( 1 john 4:4)

the bold ones are ones i really need daily reminders of. like everyone else, i wonder what my purpose is. i wonder if God will ever actually show that to me. 2 tim 1:7 says "God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline." how do i crack into that power get rid of this timidity? how do i begin to not hide behind these written words but instead be able to speak my words with a confidence and spirit that comes from God? 

these are some of the things i am trying to figure out as i continue to find my true identity. i am thankful for friends who help me discover the answers to these questions. friends like michelle, christina, felicia, my small group, my parents, different friends from church - sara, hilary, kathy. i am so thankful for the women God has put in my life to help me when i fall and help me discover who i am on my own. they help me and are willing to call me out when i need it. 

a safe place

so lately i've been binge watching frazier on netflix. i love this show, it's hilarious to me. niles is one of my favorite characters. the episode i am watching tonight mentions how he would hide under the piano when he was nervous about something, like little league try outs or this divorce he is going through. 

"oh, uh, it's a habit i developed as a child to combat anxiety. there's something about the safe, dark, protective environment that seemed comforting to me." 

every time i see this episode i think about when i was little and i would spend time on the floor in the hall closet. i liked sitting there in the dark and sometimes would even fall asleep in there. i would even sit and hide in my tiny bedroom closet. i am still not sure what was so great about it. i didn't do it out of fear or nervousness. it is just a place i would go and feel safe. even now i enjoy just sitting in my closet, and it's got a lot more room now. 

it makes me wonder where we get these odd habits that make us feel safe. if i need a good cry, instead of crying in the shower i would cry in my closet. many tears were shed in that tiny space. thankfully this new closet hasn't had to be initiated with that responsibility yet, although there have been plenty of times already where i still just sit there in the middle of the closet. even at 25 it is still a safe place for me. 

but why do i choose to cry in my closet alone and hidden with a false sense of security, when i could cry in my closet with God and have a real security around me. it has been a struggle for me more and more lately to run to God instead of hide; to share my struggles and fears and anxieties with Him instead of thinking i have this under control, when i am really barely holding it together. 

pretty much the whole month of july i have been feeling like death as i fought mono and am slowly getting back to normal. many tears were shed for no reason. eventually i was even able to tell my mom i wanted her to come visit me. (how pathetic is it that it took me a few weeks to finally verbalize that i needed and wanted my mommy, i didn't have the guts to say it from the beginning.) it is hard for me to admit feelings, even to my parents when i am sick and want them to take care of me still. I have learned i apparently do not know how to be sick on my own, but that's a whole other story. 

it is like i didn't think anyone would open the door and find me sitting on the floor. but inevitably that door would open to either mom or dad standing there saying i needed to get out of the closet. even though i still like just hanging out in my closet, i know it's not the safe place i think it is. it does me no good to cry in a closet alone, just like it does niles no good to sit under a piano instead of facing our problems head on. it is time for me to metaphorically step out of my closet and ask God to help me face my fears and my problems; to give me strength to verbalize my feelings so others can help me out. i can't stay sitting in there forever.

it's been a while

holy wowza it's been quite a long time since i've been in this neck of the woods. life has been kinda crazy around here.

in january i moved into my own apartment. it's very slowly feeling like my own place, but other times it still feels like an extended house-sitting session. i really like having my own place though, and love having jeanette over on monday nights to watch the bachelorette with me. i also got rid of my facebook account around my birthday as well. crazy to thing that's part of how i haven't been around here in a while.

in february i started working at my new job. i am still not used to getting up so early, but thankfully God put me near some places to easily get coffee. but i also really like getting off work early, so it's worth it. i love this job though. (around mid-february i had a really bad week, but that friday was good at work when i got to hear a super brand new baby cry - nothing can really beat that sweet sound)

march was fairly uneventful, just getting used to this new life.

april is when i started a second new job. it's supposed to be every other weekend, and maybe by july it will actually work out that way. so i've been working like a fool. it's great for trying to get things paid off, but hard for any form of social life.

may was an exciting month. my big brother officially graduated from ku! i'm extremely proud of him for it. i don't even complain to him about the fact that my shoulder is STILL nasty from the sunburn i got that day. i also did the dam to dam 5k in des moines with my aunt and cousins. it wasn't a great time, 45:56, but i don't think it's really all that bad considering i had done NO training what so ever for it. every year i keep saying that i will get back into running, and every year it doesn't work out for me. what is something you do to get motivated for it and stay motivated?

in the few months since i've moved out, i feel like my relationship has had big ups and downs already. at first, i think i was trying to do too much of life on my own, and i think that is one thing that contributed to my really bad freak out week in february. for a while i was having doubts about if it was the right move, about if i was supposed to stay in the northland. recently, i feel like our relationship has been going up again. i have been trying to get back into praying daily and reading my Bible daily. some days are still hard to do it, but i need to work on making it a priority. i recently emailed my pastors about getting baptized again. the next scheduled baptisms from sunday morning church is july 19, or july 26 if i go with my saturday night church. or they said we could try to do it sometime earlier. it's been a big decision for me, and i am excited to see how it helps me.

also recently, like within the past week, i have been trying to figure out how to pray for my relationship with my future husband. it's hard to pray for someone who you don't know at all though. how do you pray for your future husband when you have no idea who he is? how do you know what to pray for specifically, and how to encourage him, when you don't know what is going on in his life?

year 25

instead of setting my goal/resolutions/word on new years day, i wait a week and start at my birthday instead. i figure this way i have a week to game plan, which is something this girl needs.

so, let's start with my word for my 25th year: confidence. all my life, i have had this bad habit of comparing myself to others which has given me this horribly low confidence level. thankfully, i have great friends who have been encouraging me with this. to do this, i am going to limit my time on social media, including things such as facebook, instagram, pinterest, and twitter. the last two i am hardly on, so that won't be a problem. the first two are a lot harder. at least for this birthday week, i will not be on facebook. we will see if this even leads to getting rid of them all together, minus instagram. 

i have also set some goals to achieve during this 25th year. 

1. read more: since i am now done with school, i actually have time to read for fun. if you didn't already know, i hated reading until i was 19, when my niece was born and i had to fill a 13 hour car ride to go see her. but over the past few years, i have really learned to enjoy it. so i want to expand my reading through the next year. 

this is the book i started last night 

2. cook more: i have always liked being in the kitchen and cooking. i like cooking more than baking, since there are less trips into the kitchen to put things in and out of the oven. i need to work on my health and fitness, and this will help rather than eating out as much. also, with me moving out on my own soon, i won't be able to live if i eat out all the time. i am pretty confident in the kitchen (it's like the one thing i am actually confident in) and i want to become better and more versatile in the kitchen. (i can keep the boy happy that way) i will also be drinking more water and less soda if i cook instead. 

3. walk more/get a workout routine: this goes with working on my health and fitness also. my mom got me a fit bit for christmas and my daily goal is 5,000 steps a day. depending on the day, i can reach that goal, but other days i am way off. i want to get back into running also. when i move, i will actually have sidewalks to run on, which will be a nice change. i will also be trying to work to incorporate weight lifting and stretching into my routine. the goal is that along with this i will start to lose some weight. 

4. get connected at desperation: this is the saturday night church that i started going to in the summer. i fully intend to continue going there, and so i need to get more connected there. i know very few people there right now, and i am determined for that to change. there is a group that meets on tuesday nights that people my age. i need to see what time it is at and hopefully i can start attending that as well. 

this is my fantastic small group from restore

if you could help keep me accountable on these, that would be great! 

time for transition

i can't believe it's new years eve already! this year has seemed to fly by, and brought a lot of change and growth with it. at the start of the year, i decided to have a word i was going to focus on this year. the word was content. i'll be honest, i struggled with that a lot still. but i feel like it helped me this year as well. yes, there were still times i let my circumstances get the better of me, but i tried to be aware of when that happened and change my mindset as quickly as possible. and i feel like that has helped me as i end this year with transition. 

in november, i finally finished classes. in may, i will be walking at graduation with an associates degree for pharmacy technician. i passed my certification test in november as well, and am currently in the process of looking for a new job at a hospital in the kansas city area. i love my people at cvs, but i am ready for something new. 

i also recently got approved for an apartment in the northland, so january 17 i will be moving out of my parents house, finally. i told my mom this was going to be a good birthday present. we have talked a lot recently about how i just need to finally take this step and move out. this is a spacious apartment for a pretty reasonable price in the area, so i took the step and applied. i can't wait to take this next step and move out. i am a little anxious about it, and i have a lot to do in just over 2 weeks. 

i just got back from a family trip to california. my aunt and uncle live north of the bay, and my brother and his family live on the south side. i loved getting to see all of them again. i loved playing tourist around san fransisco. i was super excited when we got to see the full house house. we visited stanford's campus and then later got to have a private tour of  cal's campus, where my uncle works. my favorite part was the views from golden gate and just getting to spend time with the family. i was able to cross a few more things off my bucket list. still have a lot of international traveling on there i want to do. 

this year, i also started going to a saturday night church along with my sunday morning church. i started going there over the summer, when i was being scheduled on sunday mornings a lot. it is a great option, and i have really enjoyed going there. now that i'm not in classes any more, i am hoping i can start doing more there and getting more connected. the people i have met there have been so sweet and generous. i can't wait to see what 2015 has in store for desperation. 

it's crazy to think tomorrow is a new year. in 8 days i turn 25, and i've already been going through a quarter life crisis. i haven't taken time to sit down and set my goals for my 25th year of life, or to focus on what i am going to work on for the year. I guess i have 8 days to figure it out. 

i hope everyone has a safe night and has had a great 2014. 

christmas joy and stress

yesterday, i finally got to see the kansas city ballet's performance of the nutcracker. merry christmas and happy birthday to me.

 it has been on my list forever, and my friend said he would go with me. i was beyond excited for it, and it was well worth the money. growing up i always asked my parents if i could do dance, but i played soccer and by the time i came around we were only allowed one activity at a time. soccer won for me. my cousins danced and i loved when I got to go to iowa and watch them with my grandparents. i still wish i could do like an adult beginners class somewhere, but i still just don't have the time for it. 

after the performance, brandon gave me a present. (i am never good at buying christmas presents, so i took the easy route and made him cookies) he remembered i said a lot of my bucket list is traveling around the world, so he was super sweet and got me a passport cover, and now i just need to finally get a passport and start traveling. 

the holidays are always stressful for me. i am better at getting people presents through out the year, but there is so much emphasis on getting gifts for people during this time. then i feel bad when people get me sweet gifts, but i have nothing to give them. thankfully my friends and family are awesome and are  okay with gifts whenever. this year it's been harder for me since i will actually get to see my niece and nephew, but i haven't been able to get them anything to open when we are out there. and that's the part that is mostly stressing me out. sadly, at 5 and 3, i am not sure how well they understand the importance of being with family more than getting gifts. 

for now, i will continue to try and not let it get to me, and hopefully i can just buy them a gift they want while i am out there. not getting to see them often doesn't make any of this any easier for me. 

so holidays stress anyone else out as much as they do for me? 

coffee date? sure!

let's have a coffee date. just to catch up. it's been a while since i've been on here. i've been busy with school (which thank goodness is almost over!) and work has been short handed, so i've been getting busier there more again. but let's take some time, grab coffee, and just chat.

1. i've been apartment and job searching. i found a place in liberty that i REALLY liked, but mom pointed out moving to liberty just to drive back every day would be a bad idea. i applied to a job at liberty hospital, and am working to set up a phone interview there. i'm excited and nervous about that. i like my job, but it's been so stressful lately, and i'm just getting burnt out on it. the stress and having people get mad at us for things that aren't our fault. i think i'm just ready for some new scenery. plus, i'm not anywhere in life where i thought i would be by now, and in some aspects i feel like a failure for that. it's been really hard on me lately. i even had a little melt down about it this afternoon

2. my heart has been conflicted for a while now. in all sorts of aspects. i've been wondering for a bit now if i'm at the right church for me, or if i'm even in the right small group. (sadly, i'm feeling this one is more of a "no you're not") i've been thinking and praying for a while about getting rebaptized, but i feel like i need to see more what is said about it.

3. i've been trying to get back into working out consistently and eating better, but it's been so hard for me lately. i do personal training with a girl from church, and she kicks my butt good every time we work out, but life has been getting in the way lately, and it's been a while since we've been able to get together. (if you are in the northland area and want a good trainer, i definitely recommend both of these girls) and with school and work, i feel like i don't have time at home to work out because i'm reading and doing homework more often. it's been a big struggle and i NEED to make it a bigger priority than it is at now. my pharmacist told me of a youtube channel called fitness blender, so i'm gonna have to try that out also.

4. i've been having "tattoo-fever" really bad recently. it's been about two and a half years since i got my last one, and i'm so ready for a new one, just don't have the money for it. i'll just have to live without a new one for now.

5. i'm so proud of the royals. this has been a great experience while in the playoffs. kansas city is a proud town to begin with, and seeing the city painted in royal blue is amazing! the guys seem to be having a great time while playing as well. i'm so excited for the game tonight, and can't wait for them to come back to kansas city and win it all!

6. yesterday i got to have another photo session with hilary. it was a blast and i'm so excited to see how they turn out! plus, she got to do a session with some distant cousins in the afternoon, and from what i hear, those are going to look amazing also. i always feel so awesome and confident when i spend time with her. she's a great friend and a super talented photographer. i'm so glad to have her as my friend and so thankful that she's willing to help me when i have photography questions.

well that's about all i got for this coffee date. i'm so glad we were able to catch up. what new and exciting things are going on in your life?

our relationship is now a hate/hate relationship

not my relationship with anybody, but my relationship with running. i used to at least semi-enjoy running. i may have hated myself as i was actually going on that run, but i liked how it made me feel after. i've never been good at running, but i tried to convince myself if i continued to run, i would eventually learn to love it. it's stayed at a tolerance.

but lately my tolerance for running has gone even lower. now, it's more like a down right hatred, especially when i have to run with other people. i have a horrible habit of comparing myself to other (in every aspect of life lately) and so lately, running has made me feel like a failure. i run with other people, and they are all faster than me and i'm always so much further behind, and i just hate it. and then i just don't want to run at all.

i feel really good about every other aspect of my workouts with sara and crystal, except the running. yeah, my cardio needs improvement. i've known that for a while. but there are so many things i would rather do than run now. i need to find a way to get back to the point where i did more than tolerate running. doe anyone have any ideas or suggestions?

on a side note, today was my last on my hospital internship, which makes me sad. i loved spending time there and it just made me want to work in a hospital even more.
also, i'm signed up to take my technician certification test in mid-november and kinda freaking out already. please pray i don't psych myself out for it and remember everything i have learned in class and work.

truth

lately, i have felt very alone.  my best friends live far away, it's been over a year since i've seen either one of them. it makes me cry a lot. thank goodness for phones, instagram, and facebook so we can keep in touch haha.

but the friends i have here i still don't ever see. i don't feel connected to anyone lately, except for one girl i work with. i almost never get to see or talk to my friends from church. i know i'm partly to blame, i don't reach out as often as i probably should. but i feel excluded sometimes and feel like i don't really know anyone anymore. i don't even get to see my brother as often as i would like.

i'm wondering if God is trying to tell me i'm supposed to be somewhere else, or doing something else. i wonder if i'm supposed to change churches, or jobs, or cities. i don't know what to do, and i know the only way to truly figure it out is to pray about it.

sometimes i just need to say things like this and just get it off my chest.

i'll be on my soap box for a quick minute

these are just my personal opinions. i don't want to start any debates


i'm sure you all have seen the videos going around social media of the #alsicebucketchallenge and possibly the articles and blog posts also going around about how people are choosing to not participate because some organizations use embryonic stem cells in their research.

for those unaware, those are stem cells used from an aborted 8 week old embryo.

i get why people have issues with this. i would rather not see a baby aborted, but that is the mothers choice to make, not mine. and if the mother chooses to do it so that her baby can help advance science and medicine, i think that is a great choice. (this is not me supporting abortions. this is me supporting science)

granted, in retail pharmacy i may not see the outcome of stem cell research right away, but eventually it gets to the general public. it has helped make so many advancements in science and medicine, and has helped to understand different diseases.

it's pretty common knowledge among my family and some of my friends that after i die, i want my body to be donated to science. i don't really understand cremation  or burying a body to just decompose. if i can help people after i die, then that's exactly what i want to do. for a while, i felt like as a christian, i was supposed to be opposed to this research. but i'm not. i work in a field that sees benefits of it, whether i see them personally or not. i like to think that just because a baby didn't get the chance to live doesn't mean they didn't get the chance to make a difference.

let's grab coffee

life has been super crazy lately and i have been neglecting this little dot on the internet i call my own. but it's not the only thing i've been neglecting. it's been pretty much anything and everything. so that is why i'm inviting you to have a virtual coffee date with me today. (and hopefully i'll have a few real life coffee dates soon as well)

i sure do love some caribou coffee

so, grab your favorite mug, brew your favorite coffee, and lets have some conversation.

this is one of my favorite mugs, the evolution of the jayhawk. the 1912 one is my favorite.

if we were having coffee, first you know you would get a hug and i would ask how your life has been. what fun news do you have? what upcoming plans do you have?

i would tell you i should be done with school by the end of the year! i am so excited and can not wait to be done!! starting in september, i have my clinical internship and just found out today where i will be (truman medical center - hospital hill) and i'm so excited for it. after being in retail pharmacy for a year and a half, i'm excited to see what a hospital is like.

i would also tell you i want to have a job where i can help little kiddos who have cancer. you would already know that i've always had a heart for kiddos, i want a job where i can help them get better.

i would tell you that i've been having doubts lately. doubts about if this is what i'm supposed to be doing and where i'm supposed to be. i mean, i love kansas city and i love my job, but i wonder if i would make a difference somewhere else. (it's also pretty well known how much i wish i could move to texas)

i would tell you that recently i haven't been able to go to sunday morning church, and it has really been messing with me. my dad told me about a saturday night church in liberty called desperation church. that i have been to once, but will be going to more regulary. i would also suggest that you check it out if you were ever in the area.

then, at the end of me dishing everything out, i would ask how you were doing. what's going on in your life? are you dealing with doubts or joys? what are other things we can do together after this coffee date?

so let's grab coffee and chat. =]

hugs

fun fact about me: i LOVE hugs far more than any handshake. hugs are my favorite!

a hug is a simple, yet powerful, action. it can be a greeting among old friends who haven't seen each other in ages (felicia and christina), or friends you see on a consistent basis. it can be a sign of help and support, a shoulder to cry on. they can be an encouragement and reassurance.

growing up, there was the sweetest old lady at my church. she was like a grandma to everyone. she was and still is one of the strongest women i have known, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. every week i made sure to get my betty bender hug. she hugged with a strength that 1. was surprising to have coming from a sweet little old lady, and 2. let you know everything was going to be okay. it like set the tone for my whole week. when i got baptized, her and her husband gave me this wind chime that i still keep in my room. (i freaked out on a friend when she was helping me clean my room and asked if she could get rid of it)

then i started going to restore. it took a while for me to find a "replacement" for my betty bender hugs. (although, let'e be honest, there's no replacement for special hugs like that) but i found my weekly hugs from dale. he is a great, godly man. i met him because he and his wife are in the same small group as my parents. his hugs were a different kind of reassurance. his hugs were a bit softer, but still strong. they let me know i had a friend i could talk to. but now he is in new mexico for a new job.

i haven't found a replacement for my weekly dale hugs, but i trust that i will. hugs on a sunday morning can set the tone for a whole week. tonight, i went to small group with my mom, and it was so great to hugs from all the people there. they have all be great friends and role models for me, and are my adopted families when i'm at church alone. i know that they are people i can always count on. (plus the guy i like may or may not be the son of one of these families)

i know i've said before that my favorite part of baptisms is the hugs after the person comes up out of the water. it's where you see so much happiness and being proud of them for taking that public step. 

this one of my all time favorites. my friend nichole was able to be in the water as her dad got baptized. this one still makes me want to cry from happiness. 

my other favorite kinds of hugs, are the ones from my best friends. they are the hugs that last for a few minutes at least, and have all of your strength put in to them. the ones that say "i'm so happy to see you". i haven't had a hug like this in forever, and i can't wait to get one again. 

i am such a fan of hugs. they are such a simple action, yet mean so much. 

torn heart

lately i've felt like my heart has been torn between different job/career choices. i'm currently working as a pharmacy technician and going to school to get an associates degree for it. but lately i have toyed with the idea of nursing. it's always been my plan b, and i've been wondering if i need to make it my plan a. i've thought about the idea of nursing before, it's just always been in the back of my mind. but when i actually look at what is required, i wonder if i'm cut out for it. i wonder if i'm truly capable of doing all of this without being a miserable failure.

a while ago, my church had announced they wanted to start a campus in platte city. i've thought this was a great idea (although i'll have to figure out my sunday starbucks routine) and i'm super excited for it to actually happen. right now, we are waiting for someone to step up as pastor before it can go any further. but i have thought about applying for the kids' city director whenever we get to that point. i talked with my current kids' city director about it today, and she was so encouraging for it. (actually about both of these choices) the steps to take for now would be find someone for me to apprentice as service coordinator, and i would become like an intern for lindsey. 

i've been in conflict for a while now about these choices. i have a heart for kiddo's, and think i could do good at kids' city director. i know it would be a lot of work, but i think if i had the awesome leadership of lindsey, erica, and erica, the current kids' city directors for our 3 campuses, i could do it.  and i love being able to help people, and i feel like if i don't let doubt creep in, i could do the work and get through it. i have friends going to nursing school, and i see how hard they work, but they all say it's worth it. 

i know i still need to have conversations with other people, and definitely with God before i make any decisions. prayers and conversations are very welcome!

happy jackie robinson day!

as all of you may or may not know, i love  baseball. easily my favorite sport to watch. it's such a fun game, it's a game i understand, and it's a great excuse to spend time with friends and family in the sunny, humid, kansas city summer weather. although somehow, until yesterday, i never realized that april 15 was jackie robinson day, since april 15, 1947 was his debut in the major leagues with the brooklyn dodgers. where have i been?! so being the cheese-ball person that i am, i'm currently watching 42, which is a great movie anyways. i feel like there's not really a lot i can say about jackie robinson that hasn't already been said.

1945 kc monarchs team. guess which one is jackie 

a lot of my summer memories take place at kauffman stadium, watching the kansas city royals play ball. i always get excited to even think about baseball games. even at small group on sunday, some of us girls were talking about how we should make a small group trip to some baseballs games, even catch a buck night or two (and get fat off of hotdogs for a buck each)

finally got a holland jersey thanks to my daddy. and no personalizing fee!

kc also has a triple a team, the t-bones. those games are a blast because they are smaller, so you can sit closer to the action. they have a field behind outfield where you can sit and the little kids can run around.

well, i hope you all continue to have a great jackie robinson day!