where my heart is

y'all, i think the longer i have worked in the city, the more i begin to see things wrong with it. i work with a struggling population. a lot of them rely on some form of transportation from someone else, whether it be the public buses, share-a-fare, oats, etc. this turns out to mean that some people wait in the lobby for HOURS as they wait for their rides. sometimes these people have young children with them. other times, it's an elderly person sitting alone as they wait. sadly, it is not uncommon to see people still waiting for their rides when we close at 5.

today it really got to me. to start, there were two adorable little girls waiting in the lobby with their mom for what seemed like all morning. i was amazed at how well behaved they were through all the waiting. then later this afternoon, we had one of the sweetest elderly people come in. they went out into the lobby around the middle of the afternoon, after we called their ride and the diver gave us a time they would be here. i don't know why this one person got to me so much, but they were still there when we left work a couple hours later. it broke my heart today.

for a while after work i was confused as to why this one particular person got to me so much today. but i realized it's because my heart is with our patrons, as i feel it should be. these people come here to get better, and there are times when we have a hard time helping them, and it is so hard for me to tell them we can't help because of things like insurance, or that we don't have what they need in stock. i hate having to be the barer of bad news, to not be able to help the person who needs it.

it's been opening my eyes over the past year of different things that are wrong with the whole health care system in america, and in my own city as well. i hate seeing it, and i wish i knew what to do to make a difference.

the struggle is real, y'all

lately i just haven't felt motivated to really do anything. i haven't written here in months. work has been stressing me out and my anxiety has been getting slightly worse and still isn't under control. i still haven't called to talk to one of the counselors at work about it. i'm scared they will say it's something more. i have felt disconnected from a lot of my friends lately. i hate that i don't get to be with christina and see thea grow up. my parents just got back from visiting my brother in texas and i hate that i don't get to see them ever. (it's been about a year and a half since i last saw them.) i made the mistake of briefly bringing back my facebook page. (deactivated it after writing that sentence.) i feel like my thoughts have been all over the place lately. i just haven't cared about anything lately.

sorry for the randomness, i had to get it out and see if i can form some coherent thoughts for once. apparently not.

the past few months have been crazy. after i got back from georgia for my birthday, i worked for 31 days straight and was basically exhausted all the time. when i finally got my two days off, i pretty much avoided all humanity the whole time. i am still not the best at taking a day of rest and not feeling guilty about it. even this past weekend, i spent about half of saturday just binging on criminal minds and just thought about what i should have been doing instead. but by mid-afternoon, i had a much better weekend.

i think part of why i have been so apathetic and unmotivated lately is truly because i haven't been at church nearly as much as i should be. i work every other weekend, so that leave 2 weekends where i can i go to church. one of those weekends i am in kids' city, so that leave 1 sunday each month when i actually get to go to service. this upcoming sunday we start a new 3 week series, and i will only be able to see the middle week. this has been really wearing on me lately, and i know it's my fault.

• i could quit my va job, and then i would have every weekend off and could go to church weekly. but at the same time, that would be extra money i need every month and wouldn't have any more. i talked to my mom about it recently. i don't want to have to ask my parents for help. she admitted they don't mind it every now and then, but don't want it to be a regular thing. if i quit this second job, it would become a regular thing, which all of us very much do not want.

• i could find a saturday night church to go to. i would feel weird going to a saturday night church, possibly regularly, and not being a member there. even though i don't get to go to sunday morning church as often as i would like, i actually feel connected to these people. my women's group on thursday night feels like a true group of friends, which i honestly haven't felt from a small group in a long time. 

• i could watch the videos of the messages later in the week. for some reason, it's just easier for me to watch netflix. i feel like it's because i can watch it on my tv rather than my computer, and i don't know if i can do that with the site the messages are on. i don't feel like i'm as "trapped" when i watch it on my tv, i can do things around the apartment and still hear what's going on. i feel like if i watch it on my computer, i am stuck in one area to hear/see what is going on. 

i have also been slacking on reading my Bible and praying. like way slacking. and i have no one but myself to blame for that. i have never known how people are just like "i feel like reading this book right now". i need a guide/devotional/focus. know of any good devotionals for a girl to try?

2016 goals

i know, i know, i'm crazy late on posting these up on here. i meant to do this around my birthday, that's usually when i put focus on my goals/words, but i was too distracted by my sweet little snuggle-bug of a goddaughter/niece. 

can you blame me for being distracted?

like most people, i try to have a word and a few goals that i focus on for the year. it only started a few years back, but it's been a good thing to do and focus on a few things to improve on at a time. this year, i couldn't pick just one word, i had two that seem to be important this year.

1. balance

if you know me, you know i have a crazy hard time saying no to things, and always wind up spreading myself way thin. that is my current situation right now, next day off is feb 13. i am usually always willing to pick up extra shifts, whether it be an evening shift inpatient, or an extra weekend shift at the other job. it isn't until long after that i realize it was a bad mistake and i regret it. i spend so much focus and energy on work that everything else falls to the back burner. i need to not be as willing to say yes to work, and more willing to spend that time developing deeper, more real relationships with my friends and family instead. 

i need to keep an extra careful eye on my schedule, i need to block out time for God, for myself, and for my friends. i need to learn how to say "no" and not feel bad about it when i have no excuse. i need to make myself a priority.

2. save money to move

even though i just resigned my lease, i keep wondering to kansas city is where i am meant to be. part of my heart is in texas, part of my heart is in georgia, and a lot of my heart is in kansas city. kansas city is the only place i know as a home, i suffer from wanderlust, and i am wondering if taking the plunge and moving halfway across the country is the right move. i have a year to pray about it, think about it, and save up. i have looked at the process for getting registered with the board of pharmacy in a few states, looked at a few hospitals i could potentially work at, looked at apartment prices. can't wait for an update on this one. 

3. don't be stupid

i have spent many nights over the years talking with felicia and christina about this one. i have a bad habit of comparing myself to people, especially those dear best friends of mine. most of my friends are married, and when i compare i feel like i'm missing out on something, even though i know in my head that i am not. when that happens, my dumb brain starts to get too eager in looking for a boyfriend. and inevitably i wind up getting hurt over something that shouldn't bother me at all. felicia put it a great way, "it's good to be eager but shift that into other areas of you life. like with God. that's how i'm dealing with delighting myself in the Lord. it's so hard to not keep myself busy in other areas of my life but i have to refocus it on Him." it was definitely a slap in the face that i needed. as my friend would say, it was one of those 2x4 moments. this year i will try to not compare myself, but that's way easier said than done, and i will work on focusing my attention on God rather than guys. i need to be cautious. i need to be patient. 

an additional goal is to possibly go back to school this summer and start pre-reqs for pharmacy school.

birthday in georgia

y'all, today was one of the hardest goodbye's for me to do. i am so grateful i got to spend the past few days with my best friend christina and her sweet little family. in december she had a baby and i got to spend the past weekend cuddling her and helping them out however i could. i loved getting to love on sweet baby thea, and miss her so much already.

christina and i have been best friends since we met in 2000, aka 5th grade. no way i could have asked for a better friend than her. she has put up with a lot of my craziness, and it wasn't always a good crazy, and has loved me through it all. i couldn't imagine my life without her, and it's crazy for me to think about how she's been married for a year and a half(ish) and now has a one month old baby. i can't believe it!  we used to get to spend every birthday together, and then she had to go and join the marines, so that hasn't been able to happen lately. we actually hadn't seen each other in like 4 years before this weekend. it was hard on me to not see her at all during her pregnancy, and they had a courthouse wedding so basically no one got to go down for that. but i knew, even before she told me she was pregnant, that i wanted to spend my birthday with her again. it had been way too long! so in the summer i bought tickets to georgia and spend time with her. such a great decision.

i flew down the day before my birthday, and i'm pretty sure delta was going to try to keep me in atlanta forever. the countdown to see christina was unbearable, and even worse in atlanta when i was so close, yet still so far. i was so excited to give her a huge hug and finally meet thea. i've called her my niece the whole pregnancy, and christina also asked me to be her godmother, so i'm sure you can imagine how excited i was to hold her. we stopped by petco and saw her husband on the way to the house. (i feel like i can't emphasize enough how much i have missed these people.) i couldn't wait to get to the house and hold thea for hours on end (except for feeding time) and give them everything i had bought for her and the blanket my mom made for her. (alice blankets are kind of a must have among family and best friends here)

the next day was MY BIRTHDAY!!! if you don't know me, i'm kind of obnoxious when it's my birthday. (birthday buddies include elvis presley, stephen hawking, and david bowie) christina and i had a lazy morning of cuddling my baby girl and just hanging out while chris and his dad were at work. i told christina long before hand that i was wanting to get a new tattoo while i was down there. so we spent the afternoon at the tattoo shop and they were fantastic. extremely nice people and john drew up a great design and it turned out better than i imagined. if you are ever in the evans/grovetown/augusta area and looking for a tattoo, i recommend going there. every year since i was 14 i have been going to applebee's for my birthday. christina and chris indulged me, so we went there for dinner, and thankfully thea slept through the whole thing. she had spent a lot of time out of the house and she was getting tired and cranky right before then. i can't really blame her though. 

i wanted an anchor for multiple reasons. mostly for my grandpa who was in the navy and is my hero. (him and dad are the two people i am most scared of disappointing) i got my last name on it because no matter what happens in my life, i will always be a holland.

saturday christina, thea, and i explored the mall while daddy worked. (also, if you live in that area and need a dog trainer, chris is your man) that afternoon, all the georgians let me watch the chiefs game, and shared in my joy when they won. chris's dad made homemade ricotta cheese and stuffed shells for dinner, it was delicious. he was also super sweet and bought me a little birthday cake along with birthday cake flavored ice cream for dessert, complete with a candle and singing the birthday song to me as well. definitely made this girl feel special and loved. we ended the night with playing cards against humanity. so much fun!

sunday was another great day. my old small group leader and her family live just a few minutes away from chris and christina, and i was so fortunate to get to go to church with them sunday morning, and finally meet her son, who is a year and a half old. i am so glad i was able to still go to church, and spend quality time with them. they moved to georgia for her husband's residency, and we are hoping they come back to kansas city for the 4 years after that. their family is from mid-missouri, so they want to be back closer to home. and i just want them back in kansas city. we got lunch after church and enjoyed getting to catch up with them a bit more. it made my heart so happy to see them as well. after they dropped me off back at the house, we pretty much just hung out the rest of the day. sunday was also thea's official one month birthday, so we got to take some pictures for that. they didn't turn out quite as good as i had hoped, but i am so glad i got to do that for them. 

thea and daddy. she wasn't having it the first time around

i love these two with mommy holding her hand, and daddy holding her. too bad she still wasn't happy

mommy cuddles

sometimes you just need grandpa

on the blanket my mommy made for her

today was the hard day. started with thea's one month check up, then grabbing lunch with daddy. after lunch we made the quick journey into south carolina for me to meet their friend kala. i was excited to meet her. goodbye time came way too fast. it was crazy hard to say goodbye to christina, which doesn't surprise me at all. she's been the closest thing to a sister i have ever had, and the weekend together just wasn't enough. when i landed in atlanta, i was sitting in my seat trying not to bawl, and as i type this now, i'm trying not to bawl. and i am sure when i get to kc, i'll stop trying and give in to the tears. saying goodbye to her is almost as hard as saying goodbye to ethan and his family. both are crazy hard for me. it was one of the best birthday weekends i could have asked for, and i am already trying to plan my next trip down here. 

happy 2016

another crazy year has come and gone, and this one was a doozy. in a nutshell, i moved out of platte city, got two new jobs at two different hospitals, got fantastically sick, saw some dear friends get married, moved to a new building/position at one hospital, got a new niece, and did a lot of growing and changing. it's always interesting to sit down and think about everything that happened in the last year, and contemplate what will come in the next year.

some of my friendships fell apart over the last year, some grew stronger, while others still didn't make it through the year at all. i have no doubt that all of these things happened for a specific reason, and i am so thankful for them, whether i realize why it happened or not. when i think about it, i try to find something i can learn from all of those people.

moving out was a big thing for me. the 17 is actually my move in anniversary. it was a big step, but i have to admit, it is so great to come home to my own place. it's hard for me to not be a hermit, and i try very hard to make sure i'm not a 100% hermit. the introvert in me finds it so much easier to sit at home with netflix or a book and just curl up on the couch. but that's not where friendships and life happen, so i try to force myself to go out.

i have been loving my positions at the hospitals. february is my anniversary at one, and april is my anniversary at the other. they have been great opportunities. one hospital is the same one my dad works at, and i try to make sure i do a good job, not just because i take pride in my job, but because i want to make sure my dad is proud of me as well. (i am even thinking about signing up for some classes and trying to get in to pharmacy school, but at the same time i am scared of letting him down) in october we opened up a new pharmacy for an ambulatory building (outpatient clinics and some outpatient surgeries as well) it's going extremely slow right now, but we are starting to pick up as more clinics open. i am ready for the whole thing to be open though.

july i felt like i had the plague, turned out it was just mono. i'm not good at being sick, i had an impossible time accepting the face that i was tired for no reason. i already knew i wasn't good at being sick, i learned i'm even worse at being sick when i'm on my own. i felt like death for a month, but thankfully i eventually got over it. took forever to even get diagnosed correctly.

this seemed to be the fall of weddings this year. some sweet friends from church got married in august, and i got to go with a great guy friend and have a blast just hanging out and catching up with other people who go to different services. then in november my life long friend got married and i got to help photograph it. it was a great opportunity and i felt very privileged to get to be a part of her special day and help her get ready. i'll have a sneak peak of that one up later.

three weeks ago my best friend gave birth to sweet baby girl, and i cannot wait to see them next week and cuddle her for a few days. i was so excited to go to work and tell them i had a new niece. the wait to see them has been ever worse since she was born. i am so excited to get her in my arms. between her and nash (the son of my good friend from church) i have some cute amazing babies in my life right now. thea's birth is possibly the best way to leave 2015 and will for sure be the best way to spend my birthday. only one thing would be better: spending my birthday with my blood niece and nephew.